Random Stuff

Running Again - FINALLY!

2009-02-03T13:06:00.003-06:00

YEAH I'm back to running! My goal was to start running by Feb 1st and I've beat it. Ok, granted the run times are SLOW, but it's a start and boy does it feel good.

I'm a wimp so I'm still running indoors, first because I live in Chicago and it's stupid cold here, secondly the physical therapist and doctor recommend it - at least for awhile.

I was so excited today, I go tmy Metro Health Grand Rapids Marathon Newsletter! I read through is and got all psyched up. I'm signing up. I was too late to sign up for Chicago's Shamrock Shuffle and I'm not about to miss another opportunity.

Good news is Neal wants to run with me. Is he insane? It must be love. I'm still sticking with the 1/2 this year. So I've got someone to train with.

Oh I'm so excited to run. Glad my knee is cooperating. I just have to remember that the muscles still aren't at 100% - so don't push it and cause bigger issues!

KEEP RUNNING!

I Can Bend My Knee!

2009-01-02T07:47:00.002-06:00

I know this is very exciting - I can bend my knee. I can even go up and down the stairs like a normal person! It's slow going, but hey, it's better than two stepping it.

I had my first therapy session this week and now I am waiting for the insurance to approve the whole program. I couldn't believe how with just some stretches and 8 minutes on the bike I felt great and was ready to go again! Mind you - it hurt, but I pushed myself.

My at home program isn't bad, and I've usually got one of many cats sitting by me as I stretch and whatnot, so when it hurts it's not so bad.

They told me I will be running by Feb 1ST - Hurray! I'm planning on running in Chicago's Shamrock Shuffle this year. I'm excited for a year full of running, getting in shape and meeting my goals - running another 1/2 Marathon and feeling comfortable and looking good in a bikini by my Birthday - tall orders, I know, but I'm ready.

Tomorrow starts the core training and arm work - along with the continuation of therapy and stretches. As soon as they give me the go ahead I'll be back on a regular workout routine.

I'm also starting a food diary - I'm thinking I might find an iPhone app that will help. I need to keep track of my food intake.

Here's to a Happy, Healthy and Successful New Year!

Post Surgery Wrap up

2008-12-24T07:11:00.003-06:00

Ugh, so the winter has come down on Chicago with a vengance! GRR! It's to be expected, but I'm alreayd looking forward to spring, I usually don't get this way until about late Feb.

Surgery was Dec 16th and it went well. As expected, I freaked out when they gave me the IV (I'm such a baby) and started freaking out 3 minutes before the gave me lala drugs.

Doc fixed up some torn cartilidge, but that really wasn't my problem. Seems I had a lot of tissue buildup behing the knecap - so much that it actually tore & slightly shifted how my kneecap sits. I was surprised I could walk on my knee the day of, though it was painful.

Last visit at the doctor he informed me that because the damage was more than expected, I now have 6 weeks of physical therapy. I'm not happy about this, but I do want to get back to running so for now, I just follow doc's orders.

I'm already tired of gimping around, having limited ability to bend and walking up and down the stairs like a two year old! My boyfriend is being awesome, carting my butt everywhere, getting me ice, Aleve, bringing me flowers and in general just making sure I'm comfortable.

In all honesty though, I really just want to be able to walk & run. I'm already looking forward to running the 1/2 marathon in Grand Rapids this coming year! I'm going to be ready and I'm going to beat this year's time!

So, it's therapy now - trying to keep the weight down (oops - holiday snacking) and strengthining my core, abs and upper body - at least until I can get back to full speed!

Viles of Blood

2008-11-17T22:18:00.002-06:00

So as surgery get closer, my anxiety goes up. Today I was up bright and early so that I could be at the lab at 6:30 to have my blood drawn. Four viles were taken. I have to say though, the woman who drew my blood - she was awesome, I didn't feel a thing and she was done in like a minute. That was nice. I asked her if I could recruit her to give me my IV on the 16th.

I'm starting to get nervous, but there are days where the pain makes it difficult to sleep. I'm not ready to give up running, and I'm ready for the pain to go away, so here's the solution.

I'm still running the 10K on Thanksgiving morning. My boyfriend is being supportive and trained for it, so we'll run it together. Granted for every step he takes, I take 2-3; he does have a whole foot on me. I told him he coudl probably do the 10K twice before I am done. But no, he said he'll pace me, so that's nice.

So this week I have to squeeze in a 6 mile run, which shouldn't be a problem, then a day or two of rest, and then yup a 10K followed by lots of great food. That's way I can eat the pie without feeling guilty.

Oh my aching knee

2008-11-08T00:12:00.002-06:00

So the knee pain I have been experiencing has been getting worse, so I finally gave in and went to the doctor. So yesterday, I went in & was hoping he'd tell me that I need new shoes or something - nope I need surgery!

It's a simple surgery, but surgery nonetheless. Basically they know that one of 3 things is wrong with my knee - cartaledge tear, ligament tear or bone chip. So on December 16th three incisions will be made into my knee, cameras go in and Dr. Hall fixes what's broken.

Recovery isn't too bad. As long as he doesn't have to do too much rooting around, I should be able to leave without crutches. After three days the bandages come out, stitches checked and then I'm given exercises & hopefully no physical therapy. Three weeks later, back to running.

I am still running on Thanksgiving - I can't do anymore damage. I will not be running for speed though, just going to keep it kind of even keel.

More than anything I'm nervous about the anethesia - I don't do well with it.
I'm scared, but I want this taken care of so I can run without being in pain again.

Tying up the laces - again

2008-10-26T21:20:00.003-05:00

So I've had my week of recovery and I'm ready to start running again.

My next run in the Highland Pumpkin Plod - it's a 10K race through the streets of Highland IN on Thanksgiving day. I'm excited - this is a shorter race so I know I will be able to knock this one out of the park. It feels good to start running again - stretching the legs and get moving. My goal during this training is to improve my times - run a little faster.

This time I will have a running partner - he'll pass me, I'm sure, for every step he takes I take two, but at least I will have someone to start the race with, even though he will finish before me. He's never run a 10K, just did a 5K, so he's training much harder than I am - good news is, his trainer ran the Chicago Marathon so he's in good hands.

So this week, along with the running, I am incorporating more ab work, strength training, and stretching. I really need to stretch my muscles - I'm going to try to find a yoga class I can take, it's actually very good for runners.

So - here I go again

Accomplishment!

2008-10-19T20:10:00.002-05:00

Before I talk about today - I need to thank Neal and Jackie for their lengthy phone conversations last night. Their enouragment - making me laugh, and putting my at ease - helped enourmously.

Today I set out and completed one more thing on my Thirty Before Thirty list. I completed the Grand Rapids Metro Health Half Marathon. I feel surprisingly well -though I could use a massage.

Today I woke up, ready to go but nervous as hell. I was able to get dressed and choke down some sort of nourishment and energy pills. It was freezing this morning, 32 degrees. The walk to the Y was a bit of a wake up call - good God it was cold.
As I made my way to the Y and stood there with the rest of the runners, I looked around and freaked out. Thankfully I had my parents with me. I almost turned around and went home. I was so nervous and freaked out that I nearly broke down into tears. What the hell did I think I was doing? I mean seriously! 13.1 miles - I must be certifiable.

Waiting in the runners chute was pur agony. I was cold and scared - two things I don't want to be. I know to some people it may seem silly, but I wore my Grandmothers Ring - I always wear it when I feel like I need extra strength or something amazing is happening - she was and always will be my hero. Good Ol' Grandma was looking down on me and sent me Pam. Pam was great - a total seasoned runner, who actually ran the Chicago 1/2 last year and the Grand Rapids full last year. This year she strained her calf muscle, so she was only doing the 1/2 - and at a slower pace. Bless her - Pam paced me and enouraged me the whole way.

I was able to focus on those I dedicated the miles to, and she was always ask me, at each mile who this one was for.

Miles 1-4 were a breeze - I was averaging about an 11 minute mile and feeling good. The sun was rising and the trees were changing - it was really a great sceninc route. At this point I was feeling great - then came the hills at mile 5 - mind you these weren't big hills, but ask anyone who runs - inclines SUCK! However, there were gummy bears at mile 6 so I had to keep going. I love gummy bears! So to mile 6 I made it! I needed that glucouse boost.

My knee was feeling great and I was plugging along. My legs were still feeling strong. Then there was mile 9 - again glucose levels were way down. Then it was time to choke down some GU - damn that stuff was nasty! I could feel the sugar all over my teeth. I was ok but by the time mile 10 hit I was hitting the wall. My legs were like jello and I really just needed to quit - I wanted to quit - but all I had left was 3 miles - I had to do it.

Miles 10-12 were tough. I walked some of them and slowed my pace to a 12 minute mile. Mile 12 I dug, dug deeper than I have ever dug before. I didn't think I had it in me. By this time I had sent Pam ahead - I needed to do this on my own. So with tears in my eyes, I dug - this last mile was for me - I deserved it, I needed to do this. And 2 hours and 36 minutes (officialy times not in yet) I saw mom standing there cheering me on and dad at the finish line with a camera - and a huge hug. It took all I had not to completely burst into tears. I had done it! My knee held out (hurts like hell now) and I completed my first half marathon!

The feeling of accomplishment and strength I have are unbelievable! Yes, even though I feel sore and I'm in some pain, I am looking forward to hitting the pavement again.

My next race will be on Thanksgiving Morning - the Pumpkin Plod in Highland, a 10k.

Official results and photos to be posted soon.

Dedicating the miles

2008-10-17T12:25:00.003-05:00

Well it's almost here - less than 48 hours from now I will have run (and completed) the Metro Health Grand Rapids 1/2 Marathon . I spent some time reading all the important stuff on the marathon and was horrified to find out that I cannot use my iPod! AHH!! I freaked - I made my pump me up keep me going playlist and now I can't use it? It's for insurance purposes and I understand but I was then wondering how I was going to remain focused for 13.1 miles. I'm like a gnat - easily distracted. At least with the songs, I could say -ok just make it through this one,etc.

I did, however come up with an even better way to keep focus. I will be dedicating miles to people - while I run that mile, I will think about them, focus on them and force myself to complete that mile in their honor.

Here we go:
Mile 1: Nikki - bubbly, awesome and determined. Even though she's my baby sister, I look up to her
Mile 2: Julio - Because he's got a lot going on - I'm running this one for him
Mile 3: Jackie - For all the encouragment she's given me - she's one of the best
Mile 4: Mari - she's got a lot going on, but she's keeping it together, I admire that
Mile 5: Mom - She's never given up on me
Mile 6: Dad - silent, but my strength - he's always supported me
Mile 7: Aunt Gayle - she's a fighter - I want to fight like she does - her will to live, the way she lives and her determination awe me
Mile 8: Grandma Stella: I know she's proud of me, she was my best friend - I miss her
Mile 9: Neal - Hate to break it to you - I won't finish second, but your encouragement means a lot!
Mile 10: Niko - he's finally learning to be himself!
Mile 11: Sarah & Cheyenne - Amazing friend, Mom and her bundle of joy - she's known me for over 20 years!
Mile 12: Rafe - His my soulmate - my champion and an amazing person. I know if he could make it he'd be screaming for me
Mile 13: ME!

And to everyone else who's wished me luck, supported me or told me I was just plain nuts!

Nerves Kicking In

2008-10-13T12:34:00.001-05:00

6 days and counting. My nerves are kicking in.

It's a slow running week and the weather should be ideal in Grand Rapids on Sunday. I'm hoping!

I need to stay focused because right now I'm scared I won't complete this. I must and will complete this run!

Why I Run

2008-10-09T16:27:00.001-05:00

So here we are 10 days out until the ½ Marathon. I’m excited and nervous. My body is starting to rebel. I’m catching a bit of a something – not sure what & my ankles are a bit sore, but I’m managing.

Along with late night dinner plans this Friday, I’ve got a full weekend – long run Saturday – birthday dinner for my sister on Saturday and then the Pumpkin Patch on Sunday. It’s key that I am in my best mind frame.

So next week, as much as I love my friends and family, I’m cutting myself off a bit. I’m going to concentrate on the day to day tasks that must be done, and then really focus on Sunday’s journey.

Today, in my Metro Health Grand Rapids Marathon Newsletter the race director Don Kern included an email he received from Olympian Paul McMullen – who will be running the Metro Health Grand Rapids Marathon.

Paul addressed: What’s the deal with running. I read this and had a total AHA! Moment – this - this is why I run!

I’ve pulled a few key quotes from this email.

Paul said:
Running is by definition a way to cover ground quickly and has proven to be one of the most attractive attributes in a member of society since the beginning of time.

In early times fast runners ate better than slow runners. They also performed as scouts warning their tribes of enemy troop movements. Today, runners deal with stress well and are typically more emotionally balanced. They are doers and discover solutions before the sedentary. They intimately know their neighborhood. They come up with great ideas during long miles of breathing, sweating, and pounding. Runners have passion; they are willing to suffer a long time for something they want. They are not interested in instant gratification or a quick high; they plan, prepare, and execute until they achieve their goal.
********************
On race day we see thousands of runners going in the same direction. It is a phenomenon of positive momentum. It is a moment at which we all in unison draw the line in the sand AGAINST several things: most notably, procrastination and laziness, age and gender, and quitting and getting fat. Most importantly during a marathon you are guaranteed to see the human spirit at its best.

Thank you Don Kern, Race director for posting this and thank you Paul McMullen for your inspiring words. I’m only running ½ the distance Paul is – but everything he says is true. I look forward to the experience. And maybe – just maybe – next you you’ll catch me running the full 26.2 miles!

Loosing Motivation

2008-10-05T14:03:00.001-05:00

With two weeks left until I run the Metro Health Grand Rapids Marathon, I’m finding that my motivation is lacking.

Today I woke up, ready to hit the road for a 10 mile run, but my sinuses had a different plan. I have such a sinus headache, my head is clogged and I feel like I haven’t slept in ages. This is not good.

I know that I need to be at my peak and I’m worried that it’s not going to happen. My plan is to just take it easy today and then these next two weeks seriously. I’m making sure that I’m eating enough carbs, and I’m adding the vitamin B for energy. My runs will have to take place after work, and that’s tough, I’ve already put in a full day, but I just have to keep plugging along.

I’ve worked so hard. I have remind myself that the mind is much stronger than the body and these next two weeks will require 100% focus from me. It will be tough but I have to just dig and dig deep.

My body hurts

2008-09-22T20:09:00.002-05:00

Good lord does my body hurt.

In my brillance I have decided that along with training for th e1/2 marathon I am going to start toning and doing a bunch of ab work. I must be a glutton for punshiment.

Currently everything is sore. More so than when I have a long run. This is not fun. I'm also suffering from some serious blisters. I was walking in the city on Friday and Sunday and the shoes I had on did not treat my feet kindly. I thought that I could just put some bandaids on them and run today. Oh was I wrong. They are raw and the bandaids aren't working.

So tonight's rememdy is the blister bandaids and rest. I will be up early tomorrow - 5AM to be exact for toning & abs - then off to a staff meeting. After work I have a 4 mile run ahead of me. We shall see. I'm hoping that I will be awake enough to run the 4.

Now that I have these few extra weeks to train, I'm going to take advantage of them.

Off to bed - early day tomorrow

Here we go again

2008-09-17T17:15:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm determined to run a 1/2 marathon.

Today I signed up for the Metro Health Grand Rapids Marathon (They have 1/2 Marathon option)on October 19th. Everyone start saying your Anti-Rain prayers now! I've booked the room and signed up - I'm ready to go.

I love Grand Rapids - I have so many awesome memories of that place and in the fall it is just beautiful. The run will be nice, it will be cooler and I am determined!

I'm excited, plus I get more training time. What sucks is that since it's so far away, most of my supporters won't be able to make it, but I know they will be with me in spirit - and that's what matters.

Here we go again!

Mother Nature One: Stephanie Zero

2008-09-14T22:48:00.000-05:00

So today was the day of the big run. I was so excited and prepared. I wanted to run, I trained so hard for this and I really felt like I could do it. Mother nature, on the other hand, had other plans. It’s been raining since Friday and I swear I just saw Noah marching some giraffe’s in two by two. We have had a rain like none other. Flooding everywhere, roads closed, just a mess.

Up until 4:30 this morning I was still ready to go. Then I looked out the window, saw the rain, and the roads. I had to be smart about this. I am not a seasoned runner, was I willing to risk injury and illness in order to prove to myself that I could do this? I wasn’t so sure. I enjoy running and I was also afraid that this experience of running in a downpour would ruin it for me. I have already suffered a few injuries running, and that’s to be expected, however on my first big run, I wasn’t sure if I was willing to do this.

I was a mess this morning. Crying, just upset, knowing very well that it was the best decision for myself – and that was all that mattered, however it still just sucks. Seriously weeks and months of running, pushing myself and dealing with this crazy appetite all for what – nothing. Though it was the right decision, it was not the easiest one. It’s true what they say, the right decisions are not always the easiest.

So, after spending much of the day feeling sorry for myself more and more signs showed me I made the right decision. We found out that major roads, expressways and possible routes to get to the starting line were flooded. There was a great chance that even if I had left the house, I would not have made it to the starting line.

I am angry with the planners of the event. This shows me that it’s all about the money. It seems very irresponsible of them to continue with the race when, in so many respects, much of the city and surrounding areas were under water. Also, to have runners running on puddled streets in the pouring rain, just doesn’t seem like a smart move. It’s difficult to stop on a dime when running, then add slippery streets – that’s a recipe for disaster.

I haven’t completely abandoned the idea of the ½ marathon. I found two in Michigan that are taking place next month. I will be looking into them tomorrow and preparing for one of them. I will have to train to run in cooler weather and possibly rain ( I now know this is a must). So tomorrow, I am hitting the Internet to find another ½ marathon. I will complete this before I turn 30. This was a goal I set for myself some time back, and yes, I do have April, May and a good part of June of next year to do so, however, I want to do this now. I hope this works. I am already looking forward to hitting the trails again.

Finally, a huge thank you to everyone who’s been supporting me throughout my training and cheering me on. My family (yes all of my family – Rafe and Jack included!) have been super supportive. They didn’t complain at the notion of waking up at 4:30 and standing in the rain as they waited for me to cross the finish line. No one could as for better supporters.

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement – this next ½ marathon, the one I will really run – every mile will be for you guys!

One Week!

2008-09-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

Well a week from tomorrow is the big run. I am starting to get really nervous. It weird, nine months ago, I couldn't even run a mile and here I am preparing to run 13.1. It's amamzing how your body can really surprise you.

I am a self professed lazy bum. I really do not enjoy dieting, working out and trying to get that perfect body. This journey to 13.1 miles has taught me that it's not about the perfect body, but the body that you have and what you choose to do with it. I have chosen to push mine to what I at one point and time believed was it's limits.

I have come to see that the limits I thought my body had were actually just small stepping stones to pushing the limits of what I am truly capable of.

Today was a 10 mile run. It was tough, I wil tell you that, especially since I have had some pretty poor long runs these past few weeks. I don't know what is was today, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and I just kept going. One of the women on the route, who saw me going back and forth, asked me how far I planned to go today. When I told her that it was a 10 mile run, she smiled at me, wished me luck and told me to keep moving forward. That's what it's about - the encouragement, and the drive to move forward. There was also a spot, the same spot on the path, no matter if it was mile 1 or mile 7 that was very tough for me. It's up a slight hill and it's just not fun. Every single time I hit that spot and thought about walking - a monarch butterfly crossed my path - every single time. I took that as my sign that I could keep going, and I did.

After the run, I felt great. Before I jumped into the shower (MUCH NEEDED) I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. For the first time in my entire life, I looked in the mirror, saw my body and instead of criticizing it - I thanked it for being so strong. I have a strong body & I have a strong mind. This is what keeps me going.

So, let the countdown begin - soon enough I will be crossing the finish line - with a huge smile across my face!

Freak Out!

2008-09-04T20:30:00.002-05:00

So the marathon is getting closer and I am totally freaking out. I've had some less than good runs and now when I look at the route, it seems ridiculous and I feel like it will take forever. I know I can do this - however I am just having a moment.

Everything from getting there to getting home to figuring out everything else inbetween.

Right now I just need to chill, relax and take it easy.

I can do this - I will do this. I will run and complete the Chicago Half Marathon and when I do cross the finish line I will feel accomplished and remember just how strong my body & mind are.

I WILL DO THIS!

Wedding Pics

2008-08-26T14:17:00.001-05:00

Here's the link to the wedding pics - so people, stop asking!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/teffyj/

Running & Wedding - What a Weekend!

2008-08-25T12:27:00.003-05:00

Wow! What a weekend. I had a twelve mile run scheduled for Friday, instead of my usual Saturday, because I was standing up to Jackie’s wedding on Saturday.

I managed 6 miles. I got a phone call in the in middle of my run that pulled me away. I did however, find that the brace I bought works well, so I am confident that my 11 mile run this Saturday will be successful.

I stayed downtown this weekend, which was nice. I was right on Wacker and Michigan –the Trump tower was right in front of me. I took advantage of the lakefront on Saturday before the wedding – I walked the Mag Mile & the lakefront. It was good to be by myself before the chaos of wedding planning.

Carly, who’s known Jackie 10 years longer than I have, and I were both having a hard time sleeping Thursday and Friday as we anticipated the big event. The two of us knew – we were going to be weepy. It happens. Jackie is one of my closest friends and though most bridesmaids complain about having to wear a certain dress or do whatever, I was more than honored. Mike is truly a fantastic guy, and they are great together.

Walking down the aisle was weird, here I am all spiffy waiting of my best friend to take a vow that will change her life forever. Watching that was incredible. Jackie looking stunning – I decided to watch Mike’s face as she made her way down the aisle. You just saw his eyes light up. He was so adorable. During the morning, I was running between his room and hers to take stuff back and forth. His first question to me – “Did you see her yet? How is she? Tell her I love her & can’t wait!” To be trusted with these messages made me realize just how much they both trust me and have included me in their life – even if they live in California. Carly and I held it together. There were moments where we welled up, but we were able to control it. Seeing Jackie well up, that made it a little more difficult to hold it together, but we managed. I just kept remembering the very first time I met Jackie and then when she told me about Mike & then when he proposed. It’s so weird to be at the point in my life when I can recognize these moments, step back and really see how everyone’s life is changing.
The reception was a blast. I danced WAY too much. Mr. Banks, Rafe, Ryan (Meg’s overly energetic husband), Mike and the rest of the wedding party kept that dance floor packed. I was passed around so many times I was actually danced out of my shoe!

I was also impressed with the wedding party – I didn’t know most of the guys or their wives/girlfriends, but they were really just really friendly and a huge help when it came to getting ready. Don’t even ask me how many trips they made to the 26th floor to deliver, dresses, makeup, shoes, etc. Awesome guys.

It’s also a small world. Through talking, we realized that I was at the same New Year’s Eve Party that Meg and Ryan were at – the one where they met. AWE! They also already knew about my training (Jackie’s been talking) and they were very encouraging and supportive. Ryan did the Chicago Marathon so he was full of tips. He assures me, if I can run 6 – I can run 13. We shall see.

I’ve got 4 to run today. Thanks to all the dancing on Saturday I am sore so this should be an interesting run.

Me & the Beautiful Bride

Ryan & I - master chair Dancers

Mr. Banks and I cut a rug!

Injured - but not down for the count

2008-08-19T08:07:00.002-05:00

Well the running injury has happened - it was bound too.

Seems my knees really dislike the idea of running 18-20 miles a week. So I'm dealing with some knee issues now.

Visited my friends at Dick's and the oh so knowledgable (not) only trying to flirt with me (I don't care - my knee hurts), skinny, sales dude, directed me to the knee braces. I was hoping for someone with a little more knowledge, other than "Here you go". Well, I'm a big girl, so I stood there for 20 minutes trying to figure our what grossly overpriced contraption to put on my knee. In the end, I chose two. They are supposed "keep the kneecap in place" - good, wouldn't want that just wandering off and they are supposed to "stabelize knee movement to allow for pain free activities" - ok whatever, it's either this or painkillers, and I cannot run on those.

So yesterday, I ran with the brace. I was only scheduled for 4 miles and I got through it, but that brace somehow makes the run harder. It feels like it constricts my movements and then I work harder to run. At least I was able to get through it.

We will see what happens on Friday. Up at 6 - 12 miles in the AM - shower, nap, bank, drive to hotel, change, managed to squeeze my abused feet into 3 inch heels, show up for rehearsal dinner, do my thing, and collapse to be fresh and ready for Jackie's wedding on Saturday. PLEASE NO RAIN!

10 Miles is LONG DISTANCE - I don't care what they say

2008-08-10T22:05:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I had to do my ten mile run. WOW is all I have to say. I did complete the run, however, it took a lot out of me.

I kept the pace at 5.7 on the treadmill - which is about a 10:30 mile. I can easily run a 9:30 mile, however, if I want to maintain the pace, it's best to start slower - this is about distance, not speed. The first fives miles were not bad at all, it was a breaze. The next three weren't so bad. So ok I've made it through 8 miles, two more shouldn't be that bad - that's less than my minimum run. Well the last two miles were tough. I had to really push myself. I'm glad I did though, because I felt great afterwards. I came home and was proud of myself and what I accomplished.

Today, well, my body reminded me that I ran 10 miles yesterday. I was a little sore, but seriously, I've had workouts where I've felt much worse the next day. I think my body is just getting accustomed to the running.

I also spent a ridiculous amount of money on running stuff today - I never spend $100 on clothes (at least in one day) and here I was, dumping that much on running attire! I had such a hard time processing this. My mom was with me and I just kept saying, I can't believe I'm spending all this money on RUNNING CLOTHES - I'm not an athletic person, this is so weird to me.

I think I have to come to the conclusion, that yes, indeed I may be an athletic person - AH GASP! What is this! I'm shocked!

Well, I'm off to bed - this athlete (?) needs sleep.

Ten Miles Tomorrow

2008-08-08T20:08:00.002-05:00

Well the training is progressing, but in all honesty these past two weeks have been tough. Between not feeling well and having a ton of stuff to do with work, a review coming up, getting ready to stand up to a wedding and everything else, I've really had a tough time of it.

Tomorrow is a 10 mile run. I'm nervous. Part of me wonders if I will even be able to do it. 10 miles is a long time. I know I just have to focus and keep my eye on my goals. Three years ago I created a list of things I wanted to do before I turned 30 - running a half marathon was one of them, so this is my last chance (nothing like coming in under the wire). I just have to remember to take it one step at a time, break it down into smaller intervals, and remain focused.

Here's to tomorrow - I will have a successful 10 mile run!

One Mile at a Time

2008-07-28T21:09:00.002-05:00

The training is going well. I just take it one mile at a time.

Saturday was a crazy day. I was up at 6:30, at the gym by 7 - ran 6 miles, came home, showed, grabbed a Starbucks, went for my dress fitting, and from then on it was just go, go go! By the time I headed over for a nice relaxing evening with Rafe, I was exhausted. We spent the evening chatting, killing a bottle of wine and relaxing in the hot tub. What a night! Rafe and I haven't had that one on one time in a long time.

He was asking me how the running was going, and I was telling him that I am really surprised at myself and what my body is capable of. I ran six miles that morning and really felt great. Yes, I had to push myself because I had to keep going and at some point your legs and your brain just don't want to cooperate. Here is something amazing I have found - your mind is much stronger than your phsyical self. I am amazed at how much I can really push my body to do. I was also amazed that on January 1st of this year, I could barely run a 1/4 mile and now I'm averaging between a 10 and 11 minute mile.

He also told me that I seem much more confident in not only my body, but my abilites. About two months ago, we had gone to a party, where I knew exactly three people, Rafe and the two people throwing it - Simone and Peter. Here I was in a room full of very well off people, who had careers that far surpased what I thought I had. There were lawyers, a CTO, a college professor and the list goes on and on. Instead of sitting in a corner and keeping to myself, I blossomed. I was having conversations, mingeling and really just feeling very comfortable.

I contribute that to running. During a run all you are doing is putting one foot in front of another - and think - lots and lots of thinking. Once you body gets warmed up and you are in a groove, you spend a lot of time thinking. I've really answered some very serious questions, and scared myself by asking a whole new set of questions. Running for me is like meditation - this is how I think, sort things out and move forward. Just think, I will have 13.1 miles of thinking to do in September - I wonder how many questions and answers I will confront.

Off to bed - Have to run tomorrow.

Moving through week 2

2008-07-18T16:36:00.002-05:00

Well I'm almost done with week two of training. Monday was 3 miles, Wednesday 4 & Thursday 3. Tomorrow I run 5. I'm feeling really good an positive. Yesterday my legs were sore, but it wasn't so bad getting through the three. I find that if I maintain a steady pace it's a lot easier. I'm not running for speed, just to get done.

This weekend will be crazy. Tonight I have some Toga Party Shopping to do (Maria's 30th Birthday bash) & I have 48 cupcakes to make, along with cleaning, making the meat for the pasta (also for tomorrow) and some other things.

Tomorrow is going to be a bit hectic - 5 miles, plus weights, make pasta for party, run to about 4 stores to pick up various items, get to the house to decorate and be ready to surprise Maria. I hope I make it through.

Sunday should be fun. It's either the zoo or the aquarium. (Shh I have a date!). I haven't been to either one in years. I hope I can walk though, or he's going to have to push me. It's weird though, he lives downtown and therefore has no need for a car, so our relationship is all public transportation and cab based. This is different for me. Finger crossed!

Ok - heading out for a ton of errands and an eventful weekend.

One Week Down, Nine to Go

2008-07-12T17:51:00.002-05:00

Today I completed my first week of training for the 1/2 marathon. What a week! I hope I can keep this up. Today was my first long run, 4 miles. It was tough and in all honesty, I only did three. I know, I know - not following the program, but I just couldn't do it. I have learned a valuable lessson - don't run the day before your long run. Technically with the way things are set up, I'm not scheduled to run on Fridays, however, I had to adjust the schedule this week because Jackie was in town and I went out with her.

Today's run was tougher than they have been in the past. I hope I'm not loosing momentum. I think I just really need to follow the scheduled program. I felt like a failure. Just like I couldn't pull it off, and I have run this distance before. I really need to refocus.

My eating habits also need a big adjustment. After loosing the last 15 pounds in order to reach my goal size, I've gotten a little sloppy. I'm just not watching as well as I should, so I'm back on track with that - starting today, with writing everything down and going back to my weight watchers points and meals. Plus I just feel better when I eat that way.

I also have my fitting for Jackie's wedding in two weeks - I need to be able to fit into this dress. Thankfully the dress for the rehearsal dinner still fits - though more ab work is in order.

I really need to work on my arms though. The dress for the rehearsal dinner has spaghetti straps and the bridesmaid dress is strapless, so that means I need to pull out my weight training/sculpting DVDs and start hard core.

I still haven't filled out the entry form. I have until the end of this month before the cost goes up. You know my cheap ass! I'm not paying more than I have to, so needless to say I will be signing up really soon.

Cheyenne

2008-07-08T12:39:00.002-05:00

I uploaded some photos of Cheyenne. She is precious.

Also - did three miles yesterday - the steps to the L today - Killer! Three more miles today.

Bad News/Great News

2008-07-07T14:17:00.003-05:00

Bad news - Um so yeah - turns out that little cold I had turned into a full blown upper respiratory infection & double ear infection. Which basically means that I am now two weeks behind on the training. Damn it, I will run this marathon! I also didn't take any time off of work to rest, so I'm sure I slowed the recovery process. Good news is, I am now all better, ready to go and running again. Did two miles on Saturday and boy did I feel it. I'm up for three after work today.

Saturday night went to a party - everyone seemed to want to know why I was crazy enough to want to run 13.1 miles. I mean seriously, the idea in general is just insane. I guess it's a sense of accomplishment. My body and I do not get along - I think it should look one way, it thinks another. This is one way for me to attempt to control this. It's also a way for me to prove to myself that when I set a goal, I can accomplish it. And I hate to fail! They are all rooting for me, and know that training will cut into what little social time I have, however they are very supportive and rooting for me.

Speaking of social lives - note to self, your timing SUCKS! So, why or why, do I decide to start training for this while I am - helping people move, standing up to a wedding (thus helping with the planning), planning a surprise 30th birthday party, planning a huge work party, oh yeah, and starting to see someone. (Fingers crossed folks!) GRR!

The biggest cramp in the social life and training conflict is the arrival of my neice Cheyenne Elizabeth! It's difficult to train on weekends and still see her, but I will be doing it. I will sacrafice sleep for her! (ok so she's not my neice by blood, but she might as well be!). She is also the greatest news in my life. I am going to spoil this kid rotten.

I got to see the peanut on Sunday. It is well documented that babies and I don't get along - they cry the minute I hold them. Cheyenne, however, didn't utter a peep. She slept in my arms, until Sarah and I woke her up for a feeding. I love this little girl. She is just amazing. Tiny, sweet and just beautiful. For the first time I felt comfortable holding a baby. We rocked, sang, talked, & I just stared at this amazing creature. Sarah starting laughing at me "See, you say your not good with kids, but you are a natural!" Don't let my mom hear that! No, my biological clock is not ticking - I'm just enjoying Cheyenne. I'm also grateful that Sarah wants me to be such an active part of her life. The day she was born, Jason called me and said - Congratulations Auntie Steffy! Your neice is here. That means a lot to me. Besides, everyone needs a cool Aunt, right? Sarah said that she and Cheyenne will be waiting for me at the finish line. (Bet she cries when I'm all stinky and gross holding her).

Back to work and training.

Training - Week 1 - Off to a bad start

2008-06-25T12:57:00.003-05:00

So I was all psyched and ready to start my training for the 1/2 marathon and then evil little cold bugs invaded. This sucks!

I was fine Monday - went to the doctor (Unrelated to the illness I am now experiencing) - came home was was greeted by a wall of illness. This I would not recommend.

So I'm sick and I didn't start my training this week. I hope to be better on Saturday to at least do a 3 mile run, but we shall see.

It also stinks because today is my Birthday - who wants to be sick on their Birthday? Not me!

So I'm sore, achy and tired - but none of it to do with running. Blah.

Chicago 1/2 Marathon

2008-06-22T18:02:00.004-05:00

I have decided to run the Chicago Half Marathon. I must be crazy! Actually this has been on of my goals - before I turn 30, run a half marathon.

After I trained for and ran my first 5k (ok a little over - it was a 4 mile run), I caught the bug. I really do enjoy the running. Pushing my body, seeing it change and challenging myself is all part of reaching the goal. I am not concerned with how fast I finish - I just want to complete it.

Tomorrow I start my training, I'm ready. I will use this blog to detail my journey from 0 -13.1 miles.

A lot of people ask me why? Why are you doing this? The honest answer is - I feel better. Running helps me clear my head, gets rid of frustrations, and I just feel fantastic when I'm done. I sleep better at night, look better and the skinny jeans actually fit.

There is also the emotional aspect tied to this. In middle school and high school I was one of the fat kids. I ballooned and had a hard time getting rid of the weight. I will never be a size 0 and after working hard, learing proper nutrition and gaining control I am finally happy with my body. Believe it or not, I've finally embraced the curves - I have hips and I look like a woman - but guess what - I am one! This is about being a healthy woman.

So I'll use this blog to journey the early morning runs, late evenings in the gym - carb cravings and sore body. I'll record what it's like to try to train, work full time, commute and maintain some sort of social life.

I'm not a professional running, I'm the last person to tell someone how to train - but I'm real and this is where I will lay it out. It hurts, it's not easy - but in the end - I'm hoping it's worth it. Hopefully 12 weeks from now, I will be able to post my successful completion of the Chicago Half Marathon.

I DID IT! This is me and some of my wonderful support team - Rafe and Maria!

Let's go theater

2008-04-02T17:03:00.002-05:00

As of late, theater is my friend. I'm loving the fact that I am back into one of my passions -theater! I LOVE seeing live shows and I am taking advantage of my job in the city.

So far I've seen Wicked (3 times), Lion King and Jeasus Christ Superstar (with the orginal Jesus - Ted Nealy) I'm also seeing Sweeny Todd (can't wait) and Avenue Q in the next two months! Wicked will be in my future again.

In general feeling positive; happy and full of hope. A little scared as we wait for the pathology report for my dad (say your prayers), but he's strong and I'm sure that no matter what my dad will conquer all that comes in his path.

Scary Phone Call

2007-01-25T22:09:00.000-06:00

So, due to recent health issues, I have been seeing the doctor much more than any one person would like to.
About 4 months ago I had a procedure and crossed my fingers that I made the right health choice. A few weeks ago I went in for a follow up exam. The doctor told me to call in two weeks for the results - no news is good news, and often times when the tests are negative, they do not call patients - ok fine.
So here I am, plugging away at work, chatting it up with a client and getting some invoices ready when my mom calls. From the way she said Stef - I knew something was wrong. Her voice was shakey and I new somethinig was up. She told me the doctors office called and they wanted me to call them. They wouldn't tell her why. Immediatly my blood ran cold - ice filled my veins. Shaking I took down the number and said I would call. Now, I don't have my own office and I didn't want to make this type of phone call in the open, so I went into my bosses office, shut the door and shakily dialed the numbers. The whole time my mind was rushing with horrible thoughts. Was I going to need more surgery? Did I make the wrong choice? Would my future forever be altered?
I quickly dialed and spoke to the nurse. "Oh, Stephanie, Hi - just wanted to let you know that we got your test results back - all tests came back negative" WHAT? I was immediatly relieved and almost started to cry. This was crazy. Honestly it felt like my life was suspended and then suddenly started again. "No sweetie, your fine - we'll see you in 3 months for another follow-up".
I have never been so thankful or relieved in my entire life. I suddenly realized that even though my life isnt' perfect - it is a gift and it's about time I take this gift and make the most of it. So - I've fallen off the horse when it comes to working out and eating healthy - so now I'm back on it. I deserve to feel good about myself and I always feel better when I take care of myself. I've also decided that I will no longer hold back - I'm not going to make people guess at what I want from them, from others, or from life. That's no way to live, and you only end up disappointed - besides no one can read your mind. I'm going to take care of myself, I'm only good to this world when I'm healthy, happy and thankful for what I have. I will contribute to those around me - I don't have to change the world, but if I can make one person smile every day or make one person laugh, or lend an ear, well then I've made a small change.
I am ever greatful for my health and my life - I'm in charge now!

Blah

2006-11-27T20:40:00.000-06:00

Holiday Blues have set in. It's this time of year that I am glad that I am not in a relationship. Harsh - I know.

I just see what my sister's going through - trying to split the holdiays between the two families - both wanting her and her boyfriend at the festivities. Maybe it's because I had a bad experience with significant others parents. I'm always trying to make sure that I fit the expecatations - I want to make everyone happy. Moms in particular scare me. It is horrible that I felt a slight sense of relief when I found out that the last guy I dated - his mom passed away. I'm a terrible person. I just felt like well, "I don't have to prove to her that I am good for her son".

It's to the point that I think I am pushing away potential relationships. I mean, there is this guy - he's great - mature, focused, working to complete his degree in physical therapy, tall, balding (so some things I just can't give up!). He's obviously interested, but I am making it so difficult for this poor guy. It could be that I found out that he has a huge family (he's one of 5) and not only would I have to prove myself to his mom, but I would also have to prove myself to his older sisters! Yeah, that's not pressure.

So, instead of pursuing this - and in all fairness - he's great - I'm making the poor guy wonder why he even showed interest in the first place.

That and I just don't want to deal with the whole beginning a relationship thing. I know that that's supposed to be the fun stuff, but right now, at this time in my life, I just don't want to find a way to fit someone else in. Am I being selfish in not wanting to deal or to let anyone in? No - I'm just scared, I know it.

Lord help this poor boy - and myself - only time will tell.

Remembering My First Kiss

2006-10-26T10:38:00.000-05:00

So I have discovered that this world is getting smaller by the minute. It's actually kind of scary. I got a my space account, mainly out of peer pressure, and I suddenly learned that the world is very, very tiny. I was mindlessly searching, messing around, looking for someone I'd lost contact with several years ago and poof I find someone I went to grade school with. Not that big of a deal, except, a day later, while I'm washing my hair I realize, "Oh my gosh! He was the first boy I ever kissed" (A girl never forgets that) It's weird because I can still visit the spot we shared that kiss- Lan Oak Park - See Saws (they aren't there now, "safer" playground equipment has replaced it) Ok, ok, we were in second grade, but still - talk about a small world.

So what's become of the boy I first kissed? He's married, has two gorgeous children, is a graphic designer and oh yeah, is a Thunderbird. Who knew! He was the shortest kid in the class all the way up until the time we graduated. I lost track of him when we went into high school, he certainly must have grown!

Regardless it's strange how its been 20 years since we had that awkward, quick peck and 13 years since I've even seen or thought about him. It's scary. Wonder how many other people from my past are going to creep up.

Hey - can I say I kissed a Thunderbird? Does that count?

Proud to be a Fruit Fly

2006-10-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

Ok I found this on some website (which of course I can't find again!) and I loved it! Often times I've been referred to as a "fag hag" -often times I've referred to myself as one, but that term just sounds bad, harsh and hurtful. So I found this term - Fruit Fly - here is the definition.
Fruit Fly: (noun) A heterosexual female who prefers the company of homosexual men, similar to fag hag but with more positive connotations. She will befriend many gay men in her lifetime, usually having one specific "best" gay male friend, but will not fall in move with gay men, nor attempt to control their lives in any manner. She will provide companionship, friendship and a female point of view when crisis arise and will generally be a hell of a lot of fun when times are good. She will be a proud and outspoken supporter of the gay community and will take only a similarly supportive heterosexual male as her partner, though she will also have a life outside of the gay community because she is a well rounded type female. She will also, unlike many fag hags, find common ground with lesbians and enjoy their company.
So yes, I love my gays! I love you all and I am sure that their will be more gays in my life - but like the gays, I too am attracted to men. Here's the key though - any straight man who wants to be my partner better understand a few things:
1. Homosexuality is NOT contagious - if it was I would have caught it by now.
2. Gay men with ALWAYS be in my life
3. The gays can grab my boobs, adjust them, compliment the, fluff them, etc..Straight men - that will earn you a slap - ACCEPT IT
4. The gay Mafia exists - don't hurt me - they protect their women and they will hurt you! 5. Don't be afraid to get to know my gay friends, knowing them will lead you to a better understanding of me - educate yourself!

Poetry

2006-09-10T22:37:00.000-05:00

I haven't written a lot lately. This isn't much, but it's a stab at it. This isn't much and I know I will rewrite this about a dozen or so times before I am happy - that's the job of a writer - to rewrite. Needless to say the muscles need to be stretched. Here's the warmup.

Mother

Mother did you miss
your true passions
Mother did you miss
a better life

You traded yourself
Early confinement..
Lifelong dedication..

Picket fences rotted
Happy marriage now empty

Bright eyes now vacant
Dreams dissolved

Can your regain yourself?
Do you know yourself?

Angry, bitter, tired, weary.
Was it worth it?
Will it matter in the end?
Was it all lost?
Is family the price you paid?

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-08-19T00:02:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I just saw LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE and I highly recommend this movie. The blend of comedy, drama, tragegy, self -loathing, self loving and reality was amazing. I don't but DVDs very often, but this is one that I will buy.
It was nice to see a movie where I laughed, cried and walked away feeling like I saw something worth my while. It some twisted way, that family's reality is the reality of every family I know.

All Women must remember

2006-08-03T16:25:00.000-05:00

I received this e-mail from a friend and thought I should share.

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS.........
Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!

The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....
might be lonely.

And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen--
Losers let things happen."

Scared

2006-08-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

Ok so here's the deal. The past few weeks I've been playing a waiting game, one that I would not recommend. Long story short, I had gone in for a regular checkup, things came back odd, more tests were ordered and poof - diagnosis made - pre-cancerous cells (thankfully very early stage) have been found and before I know it, I'm scheduling a surgery - yeah fun.
So what's odd about this is that I've been walking around with a brave face, but in all honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Yeah I'm thankful it was found early & hopefully this procedure will take care of it, but its scary nonetheless. Even scarier is the fact that if this procedure doesn't work and more drastic measures have to be taken, I take the chance of having difficulty conceiving, or even worse - not being able to have kids at all. That made my blood run cold. Yeah, I know that where things stand right now, kids are a very distant future, but they aren't completely out of reach. I know that I've said that I'll be content being single, having a full life and realizing that I won't have kids - I get that, but the possibility is still there - taking that possibility away - terrifying. As much as I cover it up, I think I would be a good mom, and in a lot of ways I want to experience having a child, carrying a human being inside me for 9 months, nurturing it and then bringing it into the world - its scary but also wonderful. I won't lie, there is a part of me that still wants that - I try to ignore it, but its there.
That and it freaks me out that if I hadn't gone for a checkup I may never have discovered this and could have ended up with cancer. I know everything happens for a reason and if the ex didn't give me reason to go get checked out I may never have discovered this. Guess I got back together with him for a reason - but of course I will never tell him.
I know that this too shall pass, I have the love and support of my family and friends and I'll be fine. The next year is going to be a pain with having to go for follow-ups every three months, but hey -small price to pay for my health -right?

Friends

2006-07-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

I have, hands down, bar none, some of the best friends in the world! One of the things I swore that I would do this year is make sure that I nurture these relationships. I have discovered that friends realize the best in you, know you at your worst and yet love you nontheless.
Rafe and I have been friends for so long that I am convinced that no one will ever know me like he does. It's odd because often times Rafe and I don't tell each other what we really mean to each other, but we know its there. And just today, on a whim, I checked his live journal and found this : Steph...LOL...this girl was the ice queen in high school. now...she leaves me in awe. yes...she is working out, dressing better, she looks great. beyond that...when she smiles...she radiates a happiness that is blinding. this girl has taken her life by the horns and made it her bitch...LOL. she was bound and determined to just be better...over all...and she is moving like a damn freight train. If you ask her...there are still things that she wants to improve...which there is always room from improvement bla bla bla...but from where she was to where she is...wow.

Rafe honey, you made me cry when I read that. You are without a doubt one of the most amazing people I know. I don't tell you this enough, but wow. I have such a deep love and respect for you. I remember there was a time I thought you were straight (that was funny), but wow, I've seen you grow into the most amazing man. You are strong, sensative, funny and you know what is important in life. I'm amazed at how you've made incredible decisions for yourself. I've seen you grow more in the past two years than I ever have. Your zest for life, your heart and your determination to be happy and satisfied with the decsions you make has inspired me! You've taught me more about love and forgiveness than anyone I know. When you love someone, you love them with every core of your being, you don't hold back and you show the best and worst of yourself. That is a rare gift, not many people can do that, but it only makes those you love that more special. I hope that everyone you love realizes this! You are amazing, truely and inspiration and my rock. I can't wait to see what the next 13 years will bring! Only the best and one day - God willing - my children can look up to their Uncle Rafe just the same way I do.

"When we honestly ask ourselve which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in a hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate, not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares". ~Henri Nowen

Writing again

2006-07-07T22:17:00.000-05:00

Started journaling again - some things are best not published on the Internet. Also plan on sketching out a story this weekend. Ideas are swarming. I have a day of in two weeks, I plan on heading up to the beach to do some more writing - I can't wait. The beach, sand under my feet, the sound of the water and a notebook and pen - nothing beats that. I just hope that I can remain dedicated to the project. I have a lot going on right now, professionally and personally so it will be easy to get distracted. The thing is, now more than ever I am going to need to write, so I have to remind myself that I need to nourish my passions, and though work is important and my health is of even greater importance, my need to write must also be addressed.

Clean Paper

2006-07-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

I have this fear - a fear of white paper. No this doesn't mean that I run and hide and scream when I see a piece of paper, it's an inner fear I have of the possibilites that this piece of paper holds. I mean that piece of paper has so much potential, the words on that paper can be completly and utterly meaningless or they can have a huge and profound impact. I feel like I can never do the paper justice. I have since found some comfort in this fear. I recently read a quote by Jim Henson, a man that I greatly admire. In one of his journals he wrote, "Beginning is the hardest thing-I bought this book last week, I've wanted to do this for several months but there's something awesome about a totally blank book-and so beautiful-at least at this point it is." My fear has since been calmed - and I now feel encouraged. I'm starting to journal again, something I haven't done in awhile. I'm also starting the scratchings of a story that has been at least 12 years in the making - lots to write just have to be careful how it's done and do it justice. Writing this story scares the crap out of me - I mean, can I, do I have what it takes to emotionally separate myself from the story to do it justice - we shall see.

What Women Should Know

2006-07-01T23:45:00.000-05:00

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...A set of screwdrivers,A cordless drill, andA black lace bra...A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...One friend whoAlways makes herLaugh...And oneWho lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...A good piece of furnitureNot previously owned byAnyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVEEight matching plates,Wine glasses with stems,And a recipe for a meal that willMake her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

HOW TO QUIT A JOB

BREAK UP WITH A LOVER

AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

When to try harder... And

WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That she can't changeThe length of her calves,The width of her hips, orThe nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That her childhoodMay not have been Perfect...But; It's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she would and Wouldn'tDo for love or money...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to live alone...Even if She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Whom she can trust, Whom she can't,And why she shouldn't Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Where to go..Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..Or a charming inn in the woods...When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplishIn a day...A month...And a year...

Howl at the Moon

2006-06-26T21:21:00.000-05:00

Nikki, Rafe, Me, Niko and Maria

Sex on the Beach

2006-06-26T21:15:00.000-05:00

Get your minds out of the gutter - the drink - Sex on the Beach - a great big o'l bucket of it!

Me & Maria

2006-06-26T21:11:00.000-05:00

Me & The Boys!

2006-06-26T20:47:00.000-05:00

Birthday!

2006-06-25T22:03:00.000-05:00

So I survived another Birthday and I must say - it was great. Yet again the best friends in the world came to my rescue and poof - awesome birthday. Just a few photos from the night. Jeremy is FANTASTIC! Love the makeup - Rafe is equally FANTASTIC - helped create an ultra sexy outfit without making me look slutty. Thanks Boys! Here's what I looked like and here are a few of the shots from that night! Thanks again to everyone who came out to celebrate. I had a blast. I love you all! Ok blogger is being stupid -can't upload other photos -will try later.

Upcoming Birthday

2006-06-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

Birthdays

Well my friends I am on a mission - to pick a new Birthday for myself, for you see, sometimes your date of birth is well - cursed. I used to think that I had a great birthday - exactly 6 months from Christmas - I knew what I was doing, planned this right and got gifts a the best times of year - but nope I was wrong.

Let me explain. In my almost 27 years of life I have had - count them 5 memorable, good birthdays.

Yes I am sure that birthdays that occurred before I can recall them were good; though I often wonder since I'm often told that I wouldn't even touch my cake when I turned a year old - and when they put my hand in it - yeah I pitched a fit.

Ok Quick Recap of some of the bad ones.

17th Birthday - jerk I was dating showed up late to my party - because he was making out with one of my then friends

18th Birthday - jerk I was dating (different jerk this time) decided he was going to break up with me - that day - what a winner

21st Birthday - Gave up my Birthday to attend an NSYNC concert with my sister (don’t laugh) only to find out that their stage had been blown down, concert rescheduled - too late to rearrange plans - celebrated with a horrible strawberry daiquiri

24th - that wasn't necessarily bad- just - Bittersweet

25th Birthday - The Golden Birthday; I was going to live it up - exhausted, fell asleep before 11

Ok - here's the good ones - careful they're brief

23rd - finally managed to have a great boyfriend (yeah for getting rid of the jerks!). Had a nice dinner, kept it low key and really just enjoyed myself.

26th - fun, fun fun. Went to Howl at the Moon - friends did everything to make sure I had a blast & I did - such a good time in fact that I thought I broke the Bad Birthday Spell

27th - we shall see - going back to Howl at the Moon (isn't there some warning about recreating stuff that I should aware of?) - Jury's still out on my, well I don’t know what to call him, for now will just say "the man I can't give up on, even though he seems to be giving up on us" - regardless I'm going to try to not let him ruin my day.

So as one can imagine, getting older is never fun and with the uneasiness I am feeling about my birthday - who knows.

Can you make a wish before hand?

Place your bets!

2006-05-25T22:21:00.000-05:00

Ok it has been soo long since I've posted and a lot has happened, blah, blah, don't feel like going into it right now. But, here's a fun game for everyone, it's called bet on Stef's love life. You see, my boss, who spends a lot of time in Vegas, is a betting man, and as a result, he likes to bet on my life. Bet #1 - on Valentine's Day he bet me that I would be engaged by the end of 2007 - there's money on this bet $50. Good news for me, the odds are in my favor. Bet #2 In March my boss bet that the guy I was seeing was going to propose, not break up with me as I had anticipated - he said I was jumping to conclusions. HAHA jump away for me, I won that bet - the payoff, lunch at Nine, a nice, swanky five star resturant in the city. My boss doesn't seem to give up easily and has now predicted that I will be dating again by Labor Day 2007 (bet #3) Swear where does he get this? I think he pulls it out of thin air, especially since at the moment the prospects are slim to none, and frankly I am more focused on my career right now. If I win this one, it's dinner & drinks at Nine. Bet #4 - Not to be left out Niko upped the anty and said that I will be dating by July 30th - Dinner at Greek town in on the line. Looks like I will be rolling in the $ and eating like a queen. Anyone else wanna bet? Tables close on Memorial Day. Happy Betting!

Stupid Story

2005-04-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, I said that I would type my Mr. Newly Married Guy story..here is it. It's stupid, sappy, lacks imagination & character, but what do you expect when you are sitting at jury duty.

Rob lived a pretty satisfactory life - the bacholor's life. He worked downtown, in advertising. It was a tough job, but Rob was talented enough to have a secure & stable position at a well-established agency. He spent his days at work & his evenins hanging out with the guys at the bar or at his place playing video games or watching TV. (yup story starts out with typical bachelor, give me a break ok!)
After some time, Rob's friends started spending less & less time with him. They had girlfriends, wives & families. Rob thought they were idiots & that they were missing out on life.(Uhoh advice from the married friend has to be coming soon) It was his best buddy, Tom who opened Rob's eyes. "Man Rob, love is amazing. It's not the macho (macho did I really use that word..man I stink at this writing thing!) thing to say, but loves makes your life so much better, makes it worth living. When you hands fit into each others like gloves, when you hold her next to you and her hips and waist seem to fit next to you like a perfect fitting puzzle piece & when you look in her eyes & see your future - man, that's beyond words." (aww ain't that sweet!) Rob rolled his eyes, & thought Tom had lost it.
Next day, on the train heading to work, Rob looked up & saw a pretty woman sitting across from him. (we have all read & seen enough to know that she's the one, hate to be a spoil sport, but duh!) She was biting her lower lip, bouncing her feet & her eyes were darting around the train. Rob smiled at her, "You look nervous."
"Yeah, I have a job interview today. I really want this job."
"Well I am sure you will do just fine. This is my stop, but good luck."
"Thanks"
The rest of the day Rob thought about the mystery woman on the train, wondering how her interview went. He wondered if he would ever find the anwer. (yup he's been smitten!)
A week later, Rob had his answer. She was on the train again, only this time she had a big smile on her face. (No good love story happens without a twist of fate!)
"Hey, looks like you got the job"
"Yeah"
"Great, hey this calls for a celebration, care to meet me for drinks after work tonight?" He couldn't believe those words tumbled from his lips.
"Sure sounds great!"
They made plans to meet. Rob & Miranda, his mystery train woman, started spending more & more time together. The first time she took his hand he nearly fell over - no clumsy fidgiting of fingers to get it right - just happened. It started out as a pinky link and soon became the glove Tom warned him about. (Ok we all know parts 2 & 3 are going to be next)
At dinner one night, Rob spent a few more seconds that usual gazing into Miranda's eyes. He couldn't help it, it was like those crystal blue eyes had shown him his future. Again, Tom's words ran through his mind. (#2)
Finally one evening, while strolling through the city, they stopped to admire Buckingham Fountain. Miranda stood in front of him & pulled his arms around her waist - yup just like the puzzle piece. Tom was right. (Damn, he can't ignore it now)
So, one plain borning Tuesday, on their ride to work, Rob got down on one knee & proposed to the love of his life. The entire train, full of blurry eyed commuters, burst into applause. Old ladies grinned, and young women caught the tear that trickled from their eyes. (Awe predictable & sappy moment, so sue me!)
Two weeks before they left for their honeymoon, Rob got his notice for jury duty. So off on his honeymoon he went & upon his return did his civic duty.
Just before he walked out the door that morning, Miranda kissed him & handed him the book he planed to read. What he didn't know was that she had slipped a picture from their honeymooon into it, but when he found it, he smiled, and was glad she did.
And that is now Mr. Newly Married Guy ended up at jury duty that day, reading that book with that picture as a book mark - oh yeah & his last name started with the letters E-N!

Yeah you know I am probably really off maybe they met at a mosh pit, tatoo parlor, maybe they knew each other all thier lives, maybe his mom set them up, or maybe they worked together as teens, or maybe they were enemies in high school, or most likely they probably met over the Internet, any of those is possible, but I like me story better, so NAH

NO!! BRITNEY CAN"T BE PREGNANT

2005-04-13T01:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, Briney has procreated..this just has to stop, and with that ass of a husband! He left his girlfriend..while she was pregnant with his 2nd child to marry Britney..get real. It's official, the world is all topsy turvey. Yeah that kid isn't in for a bucket full of troubles..get ready future therapists of America, there is a screwed up baby on the way!

Civic Duty

2005-04-12T21:12:00.000-05:00

Today I had to serve jury duty..I never got called into a room so I had plenty of time to waste..Here is what I did during my time. Lucky you! So here is what I wrote.

This whole doing your civic duty thing is really overrated. I have been sitting in this somewhat chilly room for what seems like ages. They keep calling all these panel #'s but are avoiding my like the plague. That's ok though, I really dont' want to have to go & pay attention to a court case. At least out here I can get research done & let my mind wander.
A nice woman,Kathy I think, sat next to me this morning. She struck up a brief conversation & she seemed polite enough. She was reading The Stories Bees Tell. I commented ono how I had heard it was a good book & then I saw it- my brian shouted "RUN NOW! SAVE YOURSELF!" The tip of her bookmark was sticking out advertising a Lutheran church. Uhoh, an uberchristian woman..I better keep my mouth shut & hope she does too. But she did, she saw I was working on thesis stuff & left me alone.
Gotta pee...just don't want to disturb those around me - that's ok, I can hold it for now.
Sitting in front of me is "Mr. Red Fuzzy Hair Ponytail man" Yeah that's a bit too long so I'll call him Hank - ok Hank it is. Pretty quiet, but does a lot of reading. He's reading I am me, I am free. Wonder what that's all about?
Went to lunch at the Thompson Center. Glad they gave us an hr & a half. People actualy stayed in the room, I need to escape. When I returned someone was in my seat. HOW DARE THEY!! now I know seats aren't assigned but really now the whole seating system in thrown off. HOW RUDE!.
Now Hank is on my right & Kathy is in front of me. See that throws off the whole karma.
Oh then there was Mr. I'll Catch the Elevator for you Man. Yeah, I think I'm gonna call him Adam, yeah kinda looks like an Adam to me. On my way out to lunch he held the evelator for me & pointed me to the Thompson Center. Nice guy - older, looks distinguished - like he accomplished something with him life. He was on the same elevator when I returned from lunch -saw he has the same panel # I do. Now he's in my row - yup Adam, me and Hank.
Oh, then there is one of my favorites - I call him, Newly Married Man 0r Rob, yeah Rob will work. Rob was behind me, but now he's in the same row as Kathy. I call him Newly Married Man because while reading (can't tell what book, but it does have a character named T-Bone.) he keeps stretching with his left hand, or resting his head on his left hand. He is obviously proud of that silver band on his finger & everything that is stands for. Awe-how cute, good for him, poor guy could be at home spending quality time with his wife. Yup there goes the hand again.
The noise coming from the heating vents is driving me nuts. Kinda sounds like a fountain - you know, like when you spend time in front of Buckingham Fountain. Sounds like a constant rush of water. Maybe that's why I have to pee..that or the ginormous Diet Coke I had at lunch. That's it I gotta pee--looks like Adam is snoozing, hate to bug him but nature calls.
AHHHmuch better. Woke Adam from his nap but he didn't seem to mind. On my way back from the washroom, he commented on how this is going to be the longest hr yet. See, if you panel isn't called by 3:30, chances are you can leave - yeah I know I just cursed myself. I just heard the phone behind the desk go okk, you know the bat phone, crap could mean that I will be called soon. NOOO!
Rob just got up. He's using a picture of him & his wife as a bookmark. Again, how sweet. I want that, someone to love me enough to use my picture as a bookmark. Hey Mrs. Newly Married Guy - count your blessings.
Wonder if these people have any idea that I"m over hear scribbling stuff about them & creating lives, worlds & relationships for them.
Saw one overly bleached blond lady reading Wicked. Bad hair..good book.
There are 3 identical bald heads in front of me. No kidding, 3 men, all in blue dress shirts. All three men are victims of male pattern baldness. Aww poor guys. Think I"ll call them The Three Barones - after Frank Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond - That's ok I have a soft spot for bald guys - I think they're cute =)
All of these people look so bored, I feel bad for them, but I too am among them.
Wow there goes Rob again, flashing that hand. Geez I get it. Your married, you've joined the ranks of the blisfully happy-blah, blah, blah. You know what? I think I will create a story about how Rob & his wife met (see next blog for that)
Just found out that Hank is studying Japanese. He's teaching himself. That's incredible. He seemed a little annoyed that Kathy bugged him though.
3:15 - so close. I'm hungry, gonna check out the vending machine.
My ass is numb!
Adam is old - just heard him mention something about Canasta Card.
Rob likes Skittles - good choice.
I opted for the Peanut M & Ms.
3:25 DEAR GOD LET ME OUT!
People are starting to get antsy, up & down, lots of shuffling, we are all hoping to be let out soon.
Ok where is that mystery voice behind the microphone who can set us free?
Who's the patron saint of jurors? Maybe I need to say a prayer.
Is there a god or goddess of jurors? Is a sacrifice in order? I'll find me a virgin - maybe not in this room (I'm out =) !) but I can find one. Hope Rob isn't one, man that would suck for him - Nah, he looks too happy - probably got morning sex - lucky bastard. STEPHANIE GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
I give up I'm going for a 2 yr old magazine.

Grr & yeah

2005-04-12T00:50:00.000-05:00

GRR..I have to go serve jury duty tomorrow. What a waste of my day. I know that it is my civic duty to serve & do this but the $17.25 just isn't worth the hassle. I have a ton of stuff to do at work & now I am loosing a day. Not only that, no one wants me on their jury, I have no patience for stupid people and thier petty lawsuits. AWW BOO HOO McDonald's made me fat. No they didn't you MORON!! You drove your self to McDonald's, no one made you order the extra value meal. JUST SAY NO!! TAKE SOME PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!! GRR also to the fact that I had to work out today!! BLAH!! I hate working out but I know its something I have to do if I want to be healthy & if I don't want to look like the fat cow that I am now. Not only that, if I am going to Greece this summer & have to spend time in a bathing suit, then I better find a new body. So I am working out on my glider, trying to remember to squeeze my butt cheeks, suck my tummy in, breath & keep walking..yeah just not cut out for this. I looked ridiculous & I was a sweaty mess..Sexy..I know I will just sue every food company & blame them for my looks..or my parents for the genetics...yeah see what I mean. GRR also to parents who will not take responsibilty for their kids. These kind of people make Rafe's job very difficult & he is burned out. It's not fair, they have someone who could really have a passion for his job, and they just burn him out. Not a wise idea. Again, all about that personal responsibilty thing. Yeah to those who's love life is on the right track or on its way to being there. Yeah for Jackie & Mike..awe he's a sweetie, really. Glad that the long distance thing is starting to become something more permanent. I only spent one day with Mike but it is obvious that the adores, resepects, loves & cherishes Jackie. She deserves that. Yeah to Nani & Travis, the wedding is only 5 months away & they haven't killed each other yet, that is an accomplishment. Yeah to Maria & Dar, 5 months of wedded bliss & we finally got to see the pictures..they are beautiful. For a wedding that had the potential to come off as a bit weird and tacky, it really wasnt'. Maria looked like so gorgeous, and the ceremony was sweet but beautiful. We all had a blast. Where else could I go to a wedding dressed as a flapper. Not only that I got to play the role of Rafe's significant other during one of the first dances..awe..ain't that sweet. Yeah to Melissa & Kenny..they had a rocky road, but they are doing good..keep it up. Yeah also to Niko & John who found time to have lunch with me on Friday before they spent a nice long weekend together. Hope you had fun! & Finally Yeah to Rafe & Andy for trying to rebuild some sort of relationship...takes guts, I admire you guys & your courage. I know its scary but have no fear..I know you guys will be ok =)

Is there a yeah in there for me? Yeah I guess..yeah for reading some thesis articles, for coming off as a professional in my first meeting where my new job as marketing coordinator actually ment something, yeah for my more professional role at work & job recruiting, yeah for my kitty Sneekers..he wasn't cranky today & yeah for Snowball, he shed like a madman today, but he's SOO CUTE..& yeah that I made it though the day & didn't intentially hurt my fellow man. I made an effort to help those around me, look on the bright side of things, and to try to have a positive attitude..granted I am not perfect, but I tried!

Feeling Ehh

2005-04-10T16:40:00.000-05:00

Feeling kinda ehh today, don't even really know why. It's beautiful outside, I should be excited, but I am just like, ehh that's cool. Really should be working on my thesis, yeah I'll get to it. Found out that I may not be able to spend a few weeks in Greece this summer. That sucks. But who knows maybe I will. Though everything happens for a reason, so if I go or don't go, its written in the cards.

Had fun last night. Went to a bonfire. Wish Brandon was there though, coulda used a shoulder rub. Oh well, learned a lot about people. That's what happens when you play I never. That's ok, they learned stuff about me too (wink!). It ended kinda early, and I stuck around & talked to Rafe..love that boy. I was just in a contemplative mood, crying, laughing, and just being goofy. He helped me figure stuff out though. I realized that I am a lot stronger that I often give myself credit for. It's time for me to take some chances in life. Time to jump outta the plane & hope that the parachute opens. Even if it doesn't I know my friends will be the airbag to catch me.

There is something in the air though. Don't know if its spring fever or love or pollution..something is going on. People are acting differently. Actually lots of people around me at jumpin outta those planes.

Rafe & Andy are working on rebuiling their friendship. It takes a lot of guts & courage to do that. I know that Rafe loves him & always has, hope things work out. I wish I could say that I hate Andy & that he is scum but that's just not the case. I think he got scared...realized that no matter what, Rafe was the one that he was depending on, trusting, and really relying on...that's a scary prospect, so he ended up hurting Rafe instead of facing his own reality. It happens to the best of us. It's frightening to have that kind of a commitment with someone, & sometimes when the going gets rough, even the toughest run. They say you always hurt the ones you love, don't I know that! The thing is, it's not intentional, but it sure does screw stuff up. I know Rafe is scared & guarded to have Andy back in his life, but at the same time excited & hopeful. Me too!

Spent time talking about that & other stuff last night. It was nice being around the fire though..very relaxing. No one was there to impress anyone else, it was good. It was a little weird though because I don't really know all these people & there are so many times that I still don't think that I fit it, but really that has been the story of my life. I didn't fit in in grade school, high school, with families of those I have had relationships with, my own family or work. I am like the odd duck. It's like I am that puzzle piece that when you look at it your like "does it fit? Not sure. Well just leave it there until something better comes along". Well for now I fit in some odd way & I am content with that.

ok..thesis calls, actually so do the creative vibes..may write some poetry.

10 Thing You May or May Not Know About Me

2005-04-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

Okay..here are 10 things you may or may not know about me..Niko complained because he didn't know I had a bully button ring.

1. I am a mean chair dancer..watch out!
2. I had a bully button ring at one time & I want it back (it was kinda sexy)
3. One talent I wish I had but don't...I wish I could sing.
4. I want to learn how to ballroom dance.
5. I secretly desire to be turned into an animated cartoon figure & I want to provide the voice.
6. Once I smacked myself upside the head while trying to kill a fly (Don't lie you are all jealous..that's a talent you want!)
7. When no one is around I crank up the music & sing & dance in front of the mirror.
8. I'm an sucker for old school video games..Mario, Sonic, Q-bert, Tetris
9. I miss my Grandma Stella more than ever. She was my rock & even though she's no longer here, I still talk to her.
10. I am scared to go to sleep at night.

Bonus
11. I took my mom to a Barry Manilow concert..& had a good time...& cried during"Even Now" -good song, look up the lyrics..then STOP LAUGHING

The Men In My Life

2005-04-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

Men figure pretty predominantly in my life, the thing is, well most of the men in my life are gay. Ten years ago, if someone would have told me that gay men were going to have such a place in my heart I would have told them that they were insane, but you know what..they would have been right. Then again, ten years ago a perfect stranger led some insight into my life & at least for awhile she was right.

You see, I have two very special gay men in my life. I love them to death & I know that they love me. Rafe is one of my oldest and dearest friends. As a matter of fact we have known each other for ten years now, & there is only one other person in my life that I have known that long that I still talk to (sort of). Rafe is my knight in shining armour, he came in on his white horse & saved me from Tim, who well he thought he was going to be the next Pope & apparently I was so horrible I was going to be his first human sacrifice. Yeah this sounds like a guy the Catholic Church needs as their spokesperson. Anyway, Rafe came in & told him to leave me alone. Boy was I ever greatful. Though I was greatful I was not exactly happy. I was, well the best way to put it is I was a nasty person in high school. I pretty much didn't want to be bothered & as a result, built up some pretty impressivly thick walls. Well, Rafe saw right through that & for 10 years he has been chipping away at those walls & I love him for it.

He is one of the few people who will save me from my own worst enemy..myself. His genuine smile, crazy laugh & ability to read my mind have bonded us for what seems like a lifetime. I am comfortable enough around him to just invite myself over, crawl into his bed & have him hold me while I cry, laugh or simply spill my guts. Falling asleep with someone is a very intimate thing, and he is only one of three men that I have been able to do that with. He makes me laugh, challenges me, forces me to face the truth, and is there when I realize that the truth just plain SUCKS!! I really love Rafe. We have been through hard times & joyous times together, yet we still manage to call each other & get through. We have both watched each other spiral in one way or another & have risked losing our frienship just to pull out the friend card & save each other. He's almost like my safety net. Thanks to Rafe I have learned that showing my fun side and not giving a crap about what others think is really what makes life worth living. He's also taught me to go after what I want & what I deserve.

Niko is the other gay man in my life. Yeah that is one relationship that I didn't see coming, but the fates worked their magic. Through hard work, luck, and fates, I ended up taking a trip to Greece. Niko was in my class & we were going on the trip together. The funny thing is, we really didn't even talk until we were in the airport, waiting to board our plane. One plane ride can really change your life..did you know that. Well, that began a trip in which, for the most part, we were joined at the hip. We always sat together on the bus, shopped together, laughed together, and most importantly he shared with me & I with him. Greece in Niko's native land, and he wanted to show me everything he could. We spent hours in stores shopping for the perfect items, for ourselves..yet it was Niko who picked out the bracelet I bought & I picked out the book he bought. We had known in eachother for such a short amount of time, but managed to get it right. Niko is sooo funny, yet he is very insightful. He really pays attention, even when you think that what you say is meaningless. During what seemed liked a meaningless conversation on a bus ride I mentioned that I loved The Emperor's New Groove, and poof for my birthday be managed to track it down.

Niko is responsible for bestowing my nickname upon me. While in Greece I had some hair issues and at times it looked like the Olympic tourch..so he named me The Flame. Over the past year I became Lady Flame & on my 25th birthday I became Goddess Lady Flame or The Goddess for short. See that has given me a complex & I now expect to be treated like a Goddess..& Niko constantly remindes me of that. I pity the next guy who gets involved with me. Just kidding.

Niko is another one of those people that I feel comfortable enough to fall asleep with..why else would I let him share a room & bed with me on the trip..oohhh the rumors that I am sure we started...hehe If they only knew.

2005-04-08T22:11:00.000-05:00

This was taken in Greece. I am across the street from our hotel. As you can see the view was amazing.

When I am old

2005-04-07T14:14:00.000-05:00

When I am old I hope I have the same outlook that I have now. I hope I am open and willing., I hope that my when I am old list will grow longer and more interesting

When I am old....
....I will still laugh with friends; it is always the best medicine
......I will still chair dance like none other (that one's mine & I'm not giving it up!)
.....I will tell my children to cherish those seemingly unimportant moments, they mean more than you think
.....I won't care what the world thinks of me, I have only to please myself
.....I will stay up until the wee hours of the morning on the phone with loved ones, even if I have to get up early for work
.....I will ride rollercoasters
.....I will jump into a shopping cart & allow myself to be pushed around
....I will tell my children that their happiness is more important than my own
....I will make the most of any situation
....I will sing at the top of my lungs in my car..& wave at anyone who stares at me
....I will spend quiet evenings at home just enjoying being myself
...I will spend quiet evenings at home with friends, enjoying them
...I will do "chicken on crack" for no apparent reason
....I will laugh with my whole being
...I will cry true, heartfelt tears
...I will forgive with a tender heart
....I will listen with an open mind, open heart and closed mouth
....I will realize my mistakes, and attempt to fix them
..I will understand that not everyone understands my sarcasm
...I will try not to hide behind that sarcasm
..I will love with my whole being

Spring

2005-04-05T02:00:00.000-05:00

Warmer weather, longer days..no more bulky coats..yup, lovin spring

Pressure

2005-04-05T01:04:00.000-05:00

Ahh pressure, I used to say that I worked better under pressure...yeah not anymore. Pressure has led me to pull a weekend of all nighters, without any drinking , dancing, music, or friends involved. The all nighters have also caused me to do some weird stuff, make bad judgment calls, and somehow think that my fluffy white cat really was a snowball. Sleep deprivation is not always the best thing. But I must thank my miracle concoction of Super Vitamin B Complex and ginseng. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night (a lot compared to my weekend) and now I am wired.

Working on my honors thesis has led me to believe that a lot of crap about school is overrated. Ok this is where I stand. I am an English major, which means that when I graduate in May I will have zero marketable skills. What kind of a job do you get as an English major? Yeah, you don't. I can't teach, I do not have a teaching degree and unless I want to continue my education and go for a teaching certificate, teaching is not an option.

Of course, there is always the option of continuing my education and pursuing a Master's degree. Sounds fine and dandy, right? Nope, see you cannot have an undeclared master's. Ok, so I am screwed again. My love of books, reading them, not writing them, has led me to this state.

Though I complain, I must admit, I really did enjoy a lot of the classes I took. I learned a lot, but unfortunately, it does not open a lot of doors for a career. Then again, I really don't mind. I do not want to define myself by my career anyway. A job does not define a person. As far a job, well I have had my share of crappy ones, but I find that if you find a way to make it worth your while, then it's not so bad. Hey I was a cashier at a tiny grocery store, this place didn't even have a scanner, still doesn't, but I found a way to make it fun. I even found a slight bit of amusement when I worked at a print shop and spent my days covered in blue ink.

Who knows, the job I have now may lead me to my future. Somehow I managed to work my way up from receptionist, to assistant office manager to marketing coordinator. I have no idea how that happened, but I blame my creative flare. I may not have it in me to write the next great American novel, but if I can be creative enough to figure out how to boost copier sales, well then, I must be working some sort of magic. So maybe there is a future for me in marketing..Or the circus, whatever..As long as they don't ask me to be a clown.

Vacation Reflections

2005-04-01T02:03:00.000-06:00

I know I spoke about my vacation to Minnesota, & I promise that I will have funny stories to tell, but I want to spend some time reflecting on a vacation I took about a year ago.

A year ago, I had the opportunity to spend some time in Greece. There I learned so much, that I just want to share some of my experiences.

Some things I learned in Greece:

Seafood is ALWAYS better when it is caught the same day you are having it.

I learned the joy of a three hour dinner. To just sit around for hours, laughing, talking, sharing, and experiencing wonderful food is something that I have come to appreciate. Our meals would last for hours, no one was in a hurry, the food was wonderful, but really it took a backseat to the experience of sitting for hours with friends and strangers, learning about each other and how in one way or another we are all connected. The smells of fresh food, the noise of clanking glasses, the sounds of the streets, and the pure pleasure of conversation is something that I will never forget, and have brought that back with me.

Spiritual events do not always happen in a church. We had the opportunity to see the lighting of the Olympic Torch. Sitting there, on the grass, in the same place that the very first Olympics took place, and hearing the ancient music, seeing the ancient dance, and watching the fire of life start it's travels around the world sent chills up my spine. I was a part of a moment that will forever remain with me. It was the most moving experience I have ever had. It was as though I was suspended in time and I saw the past and the future. It was a moment, where I was a stranger in a country, and I was made to feel like I belonged. For the Greeks to share this ancient experience was nothing short of amazing..It is something will never forget. The moment literally brought tears to my eyes, and when our bus driver..A true Greek, hugged me, and said "I am so happy to share this with you..My friend. Welcome to Greece, you are now one of us" Really that was a moment unlike any I will ever experience again.

Laughter is the best sound in the entire world.

True frienships are something that happens when you least expect it. Niko & I clicked immediatly and we were soon inseperable. To find someone who had as much passion for the things I did was fantastic. He could read my moods and vice versa..we spoke a total of 10 words to each other before the trip and by the time we landed we were chattering nonstop and found a true connection. To have a friend share with you his true self is amazing, and I thank him for that.

Eating outside, with a view of the ocean..yeah nothing beats that.

Except maybe a view of the Parthenon at night from your hotel room.

Love is universal. Love is amazing. Love is something that must be handeled very carefully. I learned that you have to really treasure the love in your life, to mourn its loss, and to understand that in time, love will come again. Love is unpredictable, and love has a sense of humor. Love will surprise you, smack you upside the head, and then run away and demand that you chase it. And yes, sometimes love never dies, and if the tides are right, the fates are in your favor, and if you are willing to work for it....sometimes love rekindles itself.

UNO makes a GREAT drinking game.

I would not recommed sobering up in the cold ocean at 2am, when the rocks are REALLY sharp...not a good idea..though it was kinda fun.

Dancing in the street is an experience that not enough of us have..TRY IT!!!

Eating outside has become one of my favorite things.

Sitting outside, in the pitch dark, on a rock by the ocean, looking up at the countless stars, really makes a person feel small, yet like a part of the world. It's corny, but we are all looking at the same big sky, and that is an amazing feeling..shooting stars are also a sight to be seen.

Moonlight walks along the ocean..a must.

When something is missing in your life or your relationship..find it, or change it, or get out of the relationship...relationships with people are complicated, but to try to be with someone, on any level, when something isn't right, or off, or missing, is a waste of energy..you can't make that something appear..it is or isn't.

Long bus rides aren't so bad when you share them with friends.

There is so much more that I will share, but for now I think I need to rest and reflect even more.

Vacation

2005-04-01T00:32:00.000-06:00

Being that I live in the Midwest, I now suffer from spring fever. I need to get out of this weather, its cold, and crappy. Yes, these past few days it has been nice out, but its only a taste of what's to come.

Well, my friends and I are the stupidest people on the planet. In order to escape this weather we decided to go on a vacation..to MINNESOTA!! Yeah, we are not the brighest people in the book. We drove up in a blizzard & ended up staying where there was 20 inches of snow!! Yeah not the brightest..but you know what, we had a blast. It was so much fun. Only goes to show that you can turn any situation into fun.

Hopefully I will post the stories of fun from that vacation soon.