Feeling Ehh

Feeling kinda ehh today, don't even really know why. It's beautiful outside, I should be excited, but I am just like, ehh that's cool. Really should be working on my thesis, yeah I'll get to it. Found out that I may not be able to spend a few weeks in Greece this summer. That sucks. But who knows maybe I will. Though everything happens for a reason, so if I go or don't go, its written in the cards.

Had fun last night. Went to a bonfire. Wish Brandon was there though, coulda used a shoulder rub. Oh well, learned a lot about people. That's what happens when you play I never. That's ok, they learned stuff about me too (wink!). It ended kinda early, and I stuck around & talked to Rafe..love that boy. I was just in a contemplative mood, crying, laughing, and just being goofy. He helped me figure stuff out though. I realized that I am a lot stronger that I often give myself credit for. It's time for me to take some chances in life. Time to jump outta the plane & hope that the parachute opens. Even if it doesn't I know my friends will be the airbag to catch me.

There is something in the air though. Don't know if its spring fever or love or pollution..something is going on. People are acting differently. Actually lots of people around me at jumpin outta those planes.

Rafe & Andy are working on rebuiling their friendship. It takes a lot of guts & courage to do that. I know that Rafe loves him & always has, hope things work out. I wish I could say that I hate Andy & that he is scum but that's just not the case. I think he got scared...realized that no matter what, Rafe was the one that he was depending on, trusting, and really relying on...that's a scary prospect, so he ended up hurting Rafe instead of facing his own reality. It happens to the best of us. It's frightening to have that kind of a commitment with someone, & sometimes when the going gets rough, even the toughest run. They say you always hurt the ones you love, don't I know that! The thing is, it's not intentional, but it sure does screw stuff up. I know Rafe is scared & guarded to have Andy back in his life, but at the same time excited & hopeful. Me too!

Spent time talking about that & other stuff last night. It was nice being around the fire though..very relaxing. No one was there to impress anyone else, it was good. It was a little weird though because I don't really know all these people & there are so many times that I still don't think that I fit it, but really that has been the story of my life. I didn't fit in in grade school, high school, with families of those I have had relationships with, my own family or work. I am like the odd duck. It's like I am that puzzle piece that when you look at it your like "does it fit? Not sure. Well just leave it there until something better comes along". Well for now I fit in some odd way & I am content with that.

ok..thesis calls, actually so do the creative vibes..may write some poetry.