Blah

Holiday Blues have set in. It's this time of year that I am glad that I am not in a relationship. Harsh - I know.

I just see what my sister's going through - trying to split the holdiays between the two families - both wanting her and her boyfriend at the festivities. Maybe it's because I had a bad experience with significant others parents. I'm always trying to make sure that I fit the expecatations - I want to make everyone happy. Moms in particular scare me. It is horrible that I felt a slight sense of relief when I found out that the last guy I dated - his mom passed away. I'm a terrible person. I just felt like well, "I don't have to prove to her that I am good for her son".

It's to the point that I think I am pushing away potential relationships. I mean, there is this guy - he's great - mature, focused, working to complete his degree in physical therapy, tall, balding (so some things I just can't give up!). He's obviously interested, but I am making it so difficult for this poor guy. It could be that I found out that he has a huge family (he's one of 5) and not only would I have to prove myself to his mom, but I would also have to prove myself to his older sisters! Yeah, that's not pressure.

So, instead of pursuing this - and in all fairness - he's great - I'm making the poor guy wonder why he even showed interest in the first place.

That and I just don't want to deal with the whole beginning a relationship thing. I know that that's supposed to be the fun stuff, but right now, at this time in my life, I just don't want to find a way to fit someone else in. Am I being selfish in not wanting to deal or to let anyone in? No - I'm just scared, I know it.

Lord help this poor boy - and myself - only time will tell.

Remembering My First Kiss

So I have discovered that this world is getting smaller by the minute. It's actually kind of scary. I got a my space account, mainly out of peer pressure, and I suddenly learned that the world is very, very tiny. I was mindlessly searching, messing around, looking for someone I'd lost contact with several years ago and poof I find someone I went to grade school with. Not that big of a deal, except, a day later, while I'm washing my hair I realize, "Oh my gosh! He was the first boy I ever kissed" (A girl never forgets that) It's weird because I can still visit the spot we shared that kiss- Lan Oak Park - See Saws (they aren't there now, "safer" playground equipment has replaced it) Ok, ok, we were in second grade, but still - talk about a small world.

So what's become of the boy I first kissed? He's married, has two gorgeous children, is a graphic designer and oh yeah, is a Thunderbird. Who knew! He was the shortest kid in the class all the way up until the time we graduated. I lost track of him when we went into high school, he certainly must have grown!

Regardless it's strange how its been 20 years since we had that awkward, quick peck and 13 years since I've even seen or thought about him. It's scary. Wonder how many other people from my past are going to creep up.

Hey - can I say I kissed a Thunderbird? Does that count?

Proud to be a Fruit Fly

1. Ok I found this on some website (which of course I can't find again!) and I loved it! Often times I've been referred to as a "fag hag" -often times I've referred to myself as one, but that term just sounds bad, harsh and hurtful. So I found this term - Fruit Fly - here is the definition.
   Fruit Fly: (noun) A heterosexual female who prefers the company of homosexual men, similar to fag hag but with more positive connotations. She will befriend many gay men in her lifetime, usually having one specific "best" gay male friend, but will not fall in move with gay men, nor attempt to control their lives in any manner. She will provide companionship, friendship and a female point of view when crisis arise and will generally be a hell of a lot of fun when times are good. She will be a proud and outspoken supporter of the gay community and will take only a similarly supportive heterosexual male as her partner, though she will also have a life outside of the gay community because she is a well rounded type female. She will also, unlike many fag hags, find common ground with lesbians and enjoy their company.
   So yes, I love my gays! I love you all and I am sure that their will be more gays in my life - but like the gays, I too am attracted to men. Here's the key though - any straight man who wants to be my partner better understand a few things:
   1. Homosexuality is NOT contagious - if it was I would have caught it by now.
   2. Gay men with ALWAYS be in my life
   3. The gays can grab my boobs, adjust them, compliment the, fluff them, etc..Straight men - that will earn you a slap - ACCEPT IT
   4. The gay Mafia exists - don't hurt me - they protect their women and they will hurt you! 5. Don't be afraid to get to know my gay friends, knowing them will lead you to a better understanding of me - educate yourself!

Poetry

I haven't written a lot lately. This isn't much, but it's a stab at it. This isn't much and I know I will rewrite this about a dozen or so times before I am happy - that's the job of a writer - to rewrite. Needless to say the muscles need to be stretched. Here's the warmup.

Mother

Mother did you miss
your true passions
Mother did you miss
a better life

You traded yourself
Early confinement..
Lifelong dedication..

Picket fences rotted
Happy marriage now empty

Bright eyes now vacant
Dreams dissolved

Can your regain yourself?
Do you know yourself?

Angry, bitter, tired, weary.
Was it worth it?
Will it matter in the end?
Was it all lost?
Is family the price you paid?

Little Miss Sunshine

Ok, so I just saw LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE and I highly recommend this movie. The blend of comedy, drama, tragegy, self -loathing, self loving and reality was amazing. I don't but DVDs very often, but this is one that I will buy.
It was nice to see a movie where I laughed, cried and walked away feeling like I saw something worth my while. It some twisted way, that family's reality is the reality of every family I know.

All Women must remember

I received this e-mail from a friend and thought I should share.

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS.........
Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!

The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....
might be lonely.

And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen--
Losers let things happen."

Scared

Ok so here's the deal. The past few weeks I've been playing a waiting game, one that I would not recommend. Long story short, I had gone in for a regular checkup, things came back odd, more tests were ordered and poof - diagnosis made - pre-cancerous cells (thankfully very early stage) have been found and before I know it, I'm scheduling a surgery - yeah fun.
So what's odd about this is that I've been walking around with a brave face, but in all honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Yeah I'm thankful it was found early & hopefully this procedure will take care of it, but its scary nonetheless. Even scarier is the fact that if this procedure doesn't work and more drastic measures have to be taken, I take the chance of having difficulty conceiving, or even worse - not being able to have kids at all. That made my blood run cold. Yeah, I know that where things stand right now, kids are a very distant future, but they aren't completely out of reach. I know that I've said that I'll be content being single, having a full life and realizing that I won't have kids - I get that, but the possibility is still there - taking that possibility away - terrifying. As much as I cover it up, I think I would be a good mom, and in a lot of ways I want to experience having a child, carrying a human being inside me for 9 months, nurturing it and then bringing it into the world - its scary but also wonderful. I won't lie, there is a part of me that still wants that - I try to ignore it, but its there.
That and it freaks me out that if I hadn't gone for a checkup I may never have discovered this and could have ended up with cancer. I know everything happens for a reason and if the ex didn't give me reason to go get checked out I may never have discovered this. Guess I got back together with him for a reason - but of course I will never tell him.
I know that this too shall pass, I have the love and support of my family and friends and I'll be fine. The next year is going to be a pain with having to go for follow-ups every three months, but hey -small price to pay for my health -right?

Friends

I have, hands down, bar none, some of the best friends in the world! One of the things I swore that I would do this year is make sure that I nurture these relationships. I have discovered that friends realize the best in you, know you at your worst and yet love you nontheless.
Rafe and I have been friends for so long that I am convinced that no one will ever know me like he does. It's odd because often times Rafe and I don't tell each other what we really mean to each other, but we know its there. And just today, on a whim, I checked his live journal and found this : Steph...LOL...this girl was the ice queen in high school. now...she leaves me in awe. yes...she is working out, dressing better, she looks great. beyond that...when she smiles...she radiates a happiness that is blinding. this girl has taken her life by the horns and made it her bitch...LOL. she was bound and determined to just be better...over all...and she is moving like a damn freight train. If you ask her...there are still things that she wants to improve...which there is always room from improvement bla bla bla...but from where she was to where she is...wow.

Rafe honey, you made me cry when I read that. You are without a doubt one of the most amazing people I know. I don't tell you this enough, but wow. I have such a deep love and respect for you. I remember there was a time I thought you were straight (that was funny), but wow, I've seen you grow into the most amazing man. You are strong, sensative, funny and you know what is important in life. I'm amazed at how you've made incredible decisions for yourself. I've seen you grow more in the past two years than I ever have. Your zest for life, your heart and your determination to be happy and satisfied with the decsions you make has inspired me! You've taught me more about love and forgiveness than anyone I know. When you love someone, you love them with every core of your being, you don't hold back and you show the best and worst of yourself. That is a rare gift, not many people can do that, but it only makes those you love that more special. I hope that everyone you love realizes this! You are amazing, truely and inspiration and my rock. I can't wait to see what the next 13 years will bring! Only the best and one day - God willing - my children can look up to their Uncle Rafe just the same way I do.

"When we honestly ask ourselve which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in a hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate, not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares". ~Henri Nowen

Writing again

Started journaling again - some things are best not published on the Internet. Also plan on sketching out a story this weekend. Ideas are swarming. I have a day of in two weeks, I plan on heading up to the beach to do some more writing - I can't wait. The beach, sand under my feet, the sound of the water and a notebook and pen - nothing beats that. I just hope that I can remain dedicated to the project. I have a lot going on right now, professionally and personally so it will be easy to get distracted. The thing is, now more than ever I am going to need to write, so I have to remind myself that I need to nourish my passions, and though work is important and my health is of even greater importance, my need to write must also be addressed.

Clean Paper

I have this fear - a fear of white paper. No this doesn't mean that I run and hide and scream when I see a piece of paper, it's an inner fear I have of the possibilites that this piece of paper holds. I mean that piece of paper has so much potential, the words on that paper can be completly and utterly meaningless or they can have a huge and profound impact. I feel like I can never do the paper justice. I have since found some comfort in this fear. I recently read a quote by Jim Henson, a man that I greatly admire. In one of his journals he wrote, "Beginning is the hardest thing-I bought this book last week, I've wanted to do this for several months but there's something awesome about a totally blank book-and so beautiful-at least at this point it is." My fear has since been calmed - and I now feel encouraged. I'm starting to journal again, something I haven't done in awhile. I'm also starting the scratchings of a story that has been at least 12 years in the making - lots to write just have to be careful how it's done and do it justice. Writing this story scares the crap out of me - I mean, can I, do I have what it takes to emotionally separate myself from the story to do it justice - we shall see.

What Women Should Know

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...A set of screwdrivers,A cordless drill, andA black lace bra...A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...One friend whoAlways makes herLaugh...And oneWho lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...A good piece of furnitureNot previously owned byAnyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVEEight matching plates,Wine glasses with stems,And a recipe for a meal that willMake her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

HOW TO QUIT A JOB

BREAK UP WITH A LOVER

AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

When to try harder... And

WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That she can't changeThe length of her calves,The width of her hips, orThe nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That her childhoodMay not have been Perfect...But; It's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she would and Wouldn'tDo for love or money...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to live alone...Even if She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Whom she can trust, Whom she can't,And why she shouldn't Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Where to go..Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..Or a charming inn in the woods...When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplishIn a day...A month...And a year...

Howl at the Moon

Nikki, Rafe, Me, Niko and Maria

Sex on the Beach

Get your minds out of the gutter - the drink - Sex on the Beach - a great big o'l bucket of it!

Me & Maria

Me & The Boys!

Birthday!

So I survived another Birthday and I must say - it was great. Yet again the best friends in the world came to my rescue and poof - awesome birthday. Just a few photos from the night. Jeremy is FANTASTIC! Love the makeup - Rafe is equally FANTASTIC - helped create an ultra sexy outfit without making me look slutty. Thanks Boys! Here's what I looked like and here are a few of the shots from that night! Thanks again to everyone who came out to celebrate. I had a blast. I love you all! Ok blogger is being stupid -can't upload other photos -will try later.

Upcoming Birthday

Birthdays

Well my friends I am on a mission - to pick a new Birthday for myself, for you see, sometimes your date of birth is well - cursed. I used to think that I had a great birthday - exactly 6 months from Christmas - I knew what I was doing, planned this right and got gifts a the best times of year - but nope I was wrong.

Let me explain. In my almost 27 years of life I have had - count them 5 memorable, good birthdays.

Yes I am sure that birthdays that occurred before I can recall them were good; though I often wonder since I'm often told that I wouldn't even touch my cake when I turned a year old - and when they put my hand in it - yeah I pitched a fit.


Ok Quick Recap of some of the bad ones.

17th Birthday - jerk I was dating showed up late to my party - because he was making out with one of my then friends

18th Birthday - jerk I was dating (different jerk this time) decided he was going to break up with me - that day - what a winner

21st Birthday - Gave up my Birthday to attend an NSYNC concert with my sister (don’t laugh) only to find out that their stage had been blown down, concert rescheduled - too late to rearrange plans - celebrated with a horrible strawberry daiquiri

24th - that wasn't necessarily bad- just - Bittersweet

25th Birthday - The Golden Birthday; I was going to live it up - exhausted, fell asleep before 11

Ok - here's the good ones - careful they're brief

23rd - finally managed to have a great boyfriend (yeah for getting rid of the jerks!). Had a nice dinner, kept it low key and really just enjoyed myself.

26th - fun, fun fun. Went to Howl at the Moon - friends did everything to make sure I had a blast & I did - such a good time in fact that I thought I broke the Bad Birthday Spell

27th - we shall see - going back to Howl at the Moon (isn't there some warning about recreating stuff that I should aware of?) - Jury's still out on my, well I don’t know what to call him, for now will just say "the man I can't give up on, even though he seems to be giving up on us" - regardless I'm going to try to not let him ruin my day.

So as one can imagine, getting older is never fun and with the uneasiness I am feeling about my birthday - who knows.

Can you make a wish before hand?

Place your bets!

Ok it has been soo long since I've posted and a lot has happened, blah, blah, don't feel like going into it right now. But, here's a fun game for everyone, it's called bet on Stef's love life. You see, my boss, who spends a lot of time in Vegas, is a betting man, and as a result, he likes to bet on my life. Bet #1 - on Valentine's Day he bet me that I would be engaged by the end of 2007 - there's money on this bet $50. Good news for me, the odds are in my favor. Bet #2 In March my boss bet that the guy I was seeing was going to propose, not break up with me as I had anticipated - he said I was jumping to conclusions. HAHA jump away for me, I won that bet - the payoff, lunch at Nine, a nice, swanky five star resturant in the city. My boss doesn't seem to give up easily and has now predicted that I will be dating again by Labor Day 2007 (bet #3) Swear where does he get this? I think he pulls it out of thin air, especially since at the moment the prospects are slim to none, and frankly I am more focused on my career right now. If I win this one, it's dinner & drinks at Nine. Bet #4 - Not to be left out Niko upped the anty and said that I will be dating by July 30th - Dinner at Greek town in on the line. Looks like I will be rolling in the $ and eating like a queen. Anyone else wanna bet? Tables close on Memorial Day. Happy Betting!