Well the running injury has happened - it was bound too.
Seems my knees really dislike the idea of running 18-20 miles a week. So I'm dealing with some knee issues now.
Visited my friends at Dick's and the oh so knowledgable (not) only trying to flirt with me (I don't care - my knee hurts), skinny, sales dude, directed me to the knee braces. I was hoping for someone with a little more knowledge, other than "Here you go". Well, I'm a big girl, so I stood there for 20 minutes trying to figure our what grossly overpriced contraption to put on my knee. In the end, I chose two. They are supposed "keep the kneecap in place" - good, wouldn't want that just wandering off and they are supposed to "stabelize knee movement to allow for pain free activities" - ok whatever, it's either this or painkillers, and I cannot run on those.
So yesterday, I ran with the brace. I was only scheduled for 4 miles and I got through it, but that brace somehow makes the run harder. It feels like it constricts my movements and then I work harder to run. At least I was able to get through it.
We will see what happens on Friday. Up at 6 - 12 miles in the AM - shower, nap, bank, drive to hotel, change, managed to squeeze my abused feet into 3 inch heels, show up for rehearsal dinner, do my thing, and collapse to be fresh and ready for Jackie's wedding on Saturday. PLEASE NO RAIN!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
10 Miles is LONG DISTANCE - I don't care what they say
So yesterday I had to do my ten mile run. WOW is all I have to say. I did complete the run, however, it took a lot out of me.
I kept the pace at 5.7 on the treadmill - which is about a 10:30 mile. I can easily run a 9:30 mile, however, if I want to maintain the pace, it's best to start slower - this is about distance, not speed. The first fives miles were not bad at all, it was a breaze. The next three weren't so bad. So ok I've made it through 8 miles, two more shouldn't be that bad - that's less than my minimum run. Well the last two miles were tough. I had to really push myself. I'm glad I did though, because I felt great afterwards. I came home and was proud of myself and what I accomplished.
Today, well, my body reminded me that I ran 10 miles yesterday. I was a little sore, but seriously, I've had workouts where I've felt much worse the next day. I think my body is just getting accustomed to the running.
I also spent a ridiculous amount of money on running stuff today - I never spend $100 on clothes (at least in one day) and here I was, dumping that much on running attire! I had such a hard time processing this. My mom was with me and I just kept saying, I can't believe I'm spending all this money on RUNNING CLOTHES - I'm not an athletic person, this is so weird to me.
I think I have to come to the conclusion, that yes, indeed I may be an athletic person - AH GASP! What is this! I'm shocked!
Well, I'm off to bed - this athlete (?) needs sleep.
I kept the pace at 5.7 on the treadmill - which is about a 10:30 mile. I can easily run a 9:30 mile, however, if I want to maintain the pace, it's best to start slower - this is about distance, not speed. The first fives miles were not bad at all, it was a breaze. The next three weren't so bad. So ok I've made it through 8 miles, two more shouldn't be that bad - that's less than my minimum run. Well the last two miles were tough. I had to really push myself. I'm glad I did though, because I felt great afterwards. I came home and was proud of myself and what I accomplished.
Today, well, my body reminded me that I ran 10 miles yesterday. I was a little sore, but seriously, I've had workouts where I've felt much worse the next day. I think my body is just getting accustomed to the running.
I also spent a ridiculous amount of money on running stuff today - I never spend $100 on clothes (at least in one day) and here I was, dumping that much on running attire! I had such a hard time processing this. My mom was with me and I just kept saying, I can't believe I'm spending all this money on RUNNING CLOTHES - I'm not an athletic person, this is so weird to me.
I think I have to come to the conclusion, that yes, indeed I may be an athletic person - AH GASP! What is this! I'm shocked!
Well, I'm off to bed - this athlete (?) needs sleep.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Ten Miles Tomorrow
Well the training is progressing, but in all honesty these past two weeks have been tough. Between not feeling well and having a ton of stuff to do with work, a review coming up, getting ready to stand up to a wedding and everything else, I've really had a tough time of it.
Tomorrow is a 10 mile run. I'm nervous. Part of me wonders if I will even be able to do it. 10 miles is a long time. I know I just have to focus and keep my eye on my goals. Three years ago I created a list of things I wanted to do before I turned 30 - running a half marathon was one of them, so this is my last chance (nothing like coming in under the wire). I just have to remember to take it one step at a time, break it down into smaller intervals, and remain focused.
Here's to tomorrow - I will have a successful 10 mile run!
Tomorrow is a 10 mile run. I'm nervous. Part of me wonders if I will even be able to do it. 10 miles is a long time. I know I just have to focus and keep my eye on my goals. Three years ago I created a list of things I wanted to do before I turned 30 - running a half marathon was one of them, so this is my last chance (nothing like coming in under the wire). I just have to remember to take it one step at a time, break it down into smaller intervals, and remain focused.
Here's to tomorrow - I will have a successful 10 mile run!
Monday, July 28, 2008
One Mile at a Time
The training is going well. I just take it one mile at a time.
Saturday was a crazy day. I was up at 6:30, at the gym by 7 - ran 6 miles, came home, showed, grabbed a Starbucks, went for my dress fitting, and from then on it was just go, go go! By the time I headed over for a nice relaxing evening with Rafe, I was exhausted. We spent the evening chatting, killing a bottle of wine and relaxing in the hot tub. What a night! Rafe and I haven't had that one on one time in a long time.
He was asking me how the running was going, and I was telling him that I am really surprised at myself and what my body is capable of. I ran six miles that morning and really felt great. Yes, I had to push myself because I had to keep going and at some point your legs and your brain just don't want to cooperate. Here is something amazing I have found - your mind is much stronger than your phsyical self. I am amazed at how much I can really push my body to do. I was also amazed that on January 1st of this year, I could barely run a 1/4 mile and now I'm averaging between a 10 and 11 minute mile.
He also told me that I seem much more confident in not only my body, but my abilites. About two months ago, we had gone to a party, where I knew exactly three people, Rafe and the two people throwing it - Simone and Peter. Here I was in a room full of very well off people, who had careers that far surpased what I thought I had. There were lawyers, a CTO, a college professor and the list goes on and on. Instead of sitting in a corner and keeping to myself, I blossomed. I was having conversations, mingeling and really just feeling very comfortable.
I contribute that to running. During a run all you are doing is putting one foot in front of another - and think - lots and lots of thinking. Once you body gets warmed up and you are in a groove, you spend a lot of time thinking. I've really answered some very serious questions, and scared myself by asking a whole new set of questions. Running for me is like meditation - this is how I think, sort things out and move forward. Just think, I will have 13.1 miles of thinking to do in September - I wonder how many questions and answers I will confront.
Off to bed - Have to run tomorrow.
Saturday was a crazy day. I was up at 6:30, at the gym by 7 - ran 6 miles, came home, showed, grabbed a Starbucks, went for my dress fitting, and from then on it was just go, go go! By the time I headed over for a nice relaxing evening with Rafe, I was exhausted. We spent the evening chatting, killing a bottle of wine and relaxing in the hot tub. What a night! Rafe and I haven't had that one on one time in a long time.
He was asking me how the running was going, and I was telling him that I am really surprised at myself and what my body is capable of. I ran six miles that morning and really felt great. Yes, I had to push myself because I had to keep going and at some point your legs and your brain just don't want to cooperate. Here is something amazing I have found - your mind is much stronger than your phsyical self. I am amazed at how much I can really push my body to do. I was also amazed that on January 1st of this year, I could barely run a 1/4 mile and now I'm averaging between a 10 and 11 minute mile.
He also told me that I seem much more confident in not only my body, but my abilites. About two months ago, we had gone to a party, where I knew exactly three people, Rafe and the two people throwing it - Simone and Peter. Here I was in a room full of very well off people, who had careers that far surpased what I thought I had. There were lawyers, a CTO, a college professor and the list goes on and on. Instead of sitting in a corner and keeping to myself, I blossomed. I was having conversations, mingeling and really just feeling very comfortable.
I contribute that to running. During a run all you are doing is putting one foot in front of another - and think - lots and lots of thinking. Once you body gets warmed up and you are in a groove, you spend a lot of time thinking. I've really answered some very serious questions, and scared myself by asking a whole new set of questions. Running for me is like meditation - this is how I think, sort things out and move forward. Just think, I will have 13.1 miles of thinking to do in September - I wonder how many questions and answers I will confront.
Off to bed - Have to run tomorrow.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Moving through week 2
Well I'm almost done with week two of training. Monday was 3 miles, Wednesday 4 & Thursday 3. Tomorrow I run 5. I'm feeling really good an positive. Yesterday my legs were sore, but it wasn't so bad getting through the three. I find that if I maintain a steady pace it's a lot easier. I'm not running for speed, just to get done.
This weekend will be crazy. Tonight I have some Toga Party Shopping to do (Maria's 30th Birthday bash) & I have 48 cupcakes to make, along with cleaning, making the meat for the pasta (also for tomorrow) and some other things.
Tomorrow is going to be a bit hectic - 5 miles, plus weights, make pasta for party, run to about 4 stores to pick up various items, get to the house to decorate and be ready to surprise Maria. I hope I make it through.
Sunday should be fun. It's either the zoo or the aquarium. (Shh I have a date!). I haven't been to either one in years. I hope I can walk though, or he's going to have to push me. It's weird though, he lives downtown and therefore has no need for a car, so our relationship is all public transportation and cab based. This is different for me. Finger crossed!
Ok - heading out for a ton of errands and an eventful weekend.
This weekend will be crazy. Tonight I have some Toga Party Shopping to do (Maria's 30th Birthday bash) & I have 48 cupcakes to make, along with cleaning, making the meat for the pasta (also for tomorrow) and some other things.
Tomorrow is going to be a bit hectic - 5 miles, plus weights, make pasta for party, run to about 4 stores to pick up various items, get to the house to decorate and be ready to surprise Maria. I hope I make it through.
Sunday should be fun. It's either the zoo or the aquarium. (Shh I have a date!). I haven't been to either one in years. I hope I can walk though, or he's going to have to push me. It's weird though, he lives downtown and therefore has no need for a car, so our relationship is all public transportation and cab based. This is different for me. Finger crossed!
Ok - heading out for a ton of errands and an eventful weekend.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
One Week Down, Nine to Go
Today I completed my first week of training for the 1/2 marathon. What a week! I hope I can keep this up. Today was my first long run, 4 miles. It was tough and in all honesty, I only did three. I know, I know - not following the program, but I just couldn't do it. I have learned a valuable lessson - don't run the day before your long run. Technically with the way things are set up, I'm not scheduled to run on Fridays, however, I had to adjust the schedule this week because Jackie was in town and I went out with her.
Today's run was tougher than they have been in the past. I hope I'm not loosing momentum. I think I just really need to follow the scheduled program. I felt like a failure. Just like I couldn't pull it off, and I have run this distance before. I really need to refocus.
My eating habits also need a big adjustment. After loosing the last 15 pounds in order to reach my goal size, I've gotten a little sloppy. I'm just not watching as well as I should, so I'm back on track with that - starting today, with writing everything down and going back to my weight watchers points and meals. Plus I just feel better when I eat that way.
I also have my fitting for Jackie's wedding in two weeks - I need to be able to fit into this dress. Thankfully the dress for the rehearsal dinner still fits - though more ab work is in order.
I really need to work on my arms though. The dress for the rehearsal dinner has spaghetti straps and the bridesmaid dress is strapless, so that means I need to pull out my weight training/sculpting DVDs and start hard core.
I still haven't filled out the entry form. I have until the end of this month before the cost goes up. You know my cheap ass! I'm not paying more than I have to, so needless to say I will be signing up really soon.
Today's run was tougher than they have been in the past. I hope I'm not loosing momentum. I think I just really need to follow the scheduled program. I felt like a failure. Just like I couldn't pull it off, and I have run this distance before. I really need to refocus.
My eating habits also need a big adjustment. After loosing the last 15 pounds in order to reach my goal size, I've gotten a little sloppy. I'm just not watching as well as I should, so I'm back on track with that - starting today, with writing everything down and going back to my weight watchers points and meals. Plus I just feel better when I eat that way.
I also have my fitting for Jackie's wedding in two weeks - I need to be able to fit into this dress. Thankfully the dress for the rehearsal dinner still fits - though more ab work is in order.
I really need to work on my arms though. The dress for the rehearsal dinner has spaghetti straps and the bridesmaid dress is strapless, so that means I need to pull out my weight training/sculpting DVDs and start hard core.
I still haven't filled out the entry form. I have until the end of this month before the cost goes up. You know my cheap ass! I'm not paying more than I have to, so needless to say I will be signing up really soon.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Cheyenne
I uploaded some photos of Cheyenne. She is precious.
Also - did three miles yesterday - the steps to the L today - Killer! Three more miles today.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Bad News/Great News
Bad news - Um so yeah - turns out that little cold I had turned into a full blown upper respiratory infection & double ear infection. Which basically means that I am now two weeks behind on the training. Damn it, I will run this marathon! I also didn't take any time off of work to rest, so I'm sure I slowed the recovery process. Good news is, I am now all better, ready to go and running again. Did two miles on Saturday and boy did I feel it. I'm up for three after work today.
Saturday night went to a party - everyone seemed to want to know why I was crazy enough to want to run 13.1 miles. I mean seriously, the idea in general is just insane. I guess it's a sense of accomplishment. My body and I do not get along - I think it should look one way, it thinks another. This is one way for me to attempt to control this. It's also a way for me to prove to myself that when I set a goal, I can accomplish it. And I hate to fail! They are all rooting for me, and know that training will cut into what little social time I have, however they are very supportive and rooting for me.
Speaking of social lives - note to self, your timing SUCKS! So, why or why, do I decide to start training for this while I am - helping people move, standing up to a wedding (thus helping with the planning), planning a surprise 30th birthday party, planning a huge work party, oh yeah, and starting to see someone. (Fingers crossed folks!) GRR!
The biggest cramp in the social life and training conflict is the arrival of my neice Cheyenne Elizabeth! It's difficult to train on weekends and still see her, but I will be doing it. I will sacrafice sleep for her! (ok so she's not my neice by blood, but she might as well be!). She is also the greatest news in my life. I am going to spoil this kid rotten.
I got to see the peanut on Sunday. It is well documented that babies and I don't get along - they cry the minute I hold them. Cheyenne, however, didn't utter a peep. She slept in my arms, until Sarah and I woke her up for a feeding. I love this little girl. She is just amazing. Tiny, sweet and just beautiful. For the first time I felt comfortable holding a baby. We rocked, sang, talked, & I just stared at this amazing creature. Sarah starting laughing at me "See, you say your not good with kids, but you are a natural!" Don't let my mom hear that! No, my biological clock is not ticking - I'm just enjoying Cheyenne. I'm also grateful that Sarah wants me to be such an active part of her life. The day she was born, Jason called me and said - Congratulations Auntie Steffy! Your neice is here. That means a lot to me. Besides, everyone needs a cool Aunt, right? Sarah said that she and Cheyenne will be waiting for me at the finish line. (Bet she cries when I'm all stinky and gross holding her).
Back to work and training.
Saturday night went to a party - everyone seemed to want to know why I was crazy enough to want to run 13.1 miles. I mean seriously, the idea in general is just insane. I guess it's a sense of accomplishment. My body and I do not get along - I think it should look one way, it thinks another. This is one way for me to attempt to control this. It's also a way for me to prove to myself that when I set a goal, I can accomplish it. And I hate to fail! They are all rooting for me, and know that training will cut into what little social time I have, however they are very supportive and rooting for me.
Speaking of social lives - note to self, your timing SUCKS! So, why or why, do I decide to start training for this while I am - helping people move, standing up to a wedding (thus helping with the planning), planning a surprise 30th birthday party, planning a huge work party, oh yeah, and starting to see someone. (Fingers crossed folks!) GRR!
The biggest cramp in the social life and training conflict is the arrival of my neice Cheyenne Elizabeth! It's difficult to train on weekends and still see her, but I will be doing it. I will sacrafice sleep for her! (ok so she's not my neice by blood, but she might as well be!). She is also the greatest news in my life. I am going to spoil this kid rotten.
I got to see the peanut on Sunday. It is well documented that babies and I don't get along - they cry the minute I hold them. Cheyenne, however, didn't utter a peep. She slept in my arms, until Sarah and I woke her up for a feeding. I love this little girl. She is just amazing. Tiny, sweet and just beautiful. For the first time I felt comfortable holding a baby. We rocked, sang, talked, & I just stared at this amazing creature. Sarah starting laughing at me "See, you say your not good with kids, but you are a natural!" Don't let my mom hear that! No, my biological clock is not ticking - I'm just enjoying Cheyenne. I'm also grateful that Sarah wants me to be such an active part of her life. The day she was born, Jason called me and said - Congratulations Auntie Steffy! Your neice is here. That means a lot to me. Besides, everyone needs a cool Aunt, right? Sarah said that she and Cheyenne will be waiting for me at the finish line. (Bet she cries when I'm all stinky and gross holding her).
Back to work and training.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Training - Week 1 - Off to a bad start
So I was all psyched and ready to start my training for the 1/2 marathon and then evil little cold bugs invaded. This sucks!
I was fine Monday - went to the doctor (Unrelated to the illness I am now experiencing) - came home was was greeted by a wall of illness. This I would not recommend.
So I'm sick and I didn't start my training this week. I hope to be better on Saturday to at least do a 3 mile run, but we shall see.
It also stinks because today is my Birthday - who wants to be sick on their Birthday? Not me!
So I'm sore, achy and tired - but none of it to do with running. Blah.
I was fine Monday - went to the doctor (Unrelated to the illness I am now experiencing) - came home was was greeted by a wall of illness. This I would not recommend.
So I'm sick and I didn't start my training this week. I hope to be better on Saturday to at least do a 3 mile run, but we shall see.
It also stinks because today is my Birthday - who wants to be sick on their Birthday? Not me!
So I'm sore, achy and tired - but none of it to do with running. Blah.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Chicago 1/2 Marathon
I have decided to run the Chicago Half Marathon. I must be crazy! Actually this has been on of my goals - before I turn 30, run a half marathon.
After I trained for and ran my first 5k (ok a little over - it was a 4 mile run), I caught the bug. I really do enjoy the running. Pushing my body, seeing it change and challenging myself is all part of reaching the goal. I am not concerned with how fast I finish - I just want to complete it.
Tomorrow I start my training, I'm ready. I will use this blog to detail my journey from 0 -13.1 miles.
A lot of people ask me why? Why are you doing this? The honest answer is - I feel better. Running helps me clear my head, gets rid of frustrations, and I just feel fantastic when I'm done. I sleep better at night, look better and the skinny jeans actually fit.
There is also the emotional aspect tied to this. In middle school and high school I was one of the fat kids. I ballooned and had a hard time getting rid of the weight. I will never be a size 0 and after working hard, learing proper nutrition and gaining control I am finally happy with my body. Believe it or not, I've finally embraced the curves - I have hips and I look like a woman - but guess what - I am one! This is about being a healthy woman.
So I'll use this blog to journey the early morning runs, late evenings in the gym - carb cravings and sore body. I'll record what it's like to try to train, work full time, commute and maintain some sort of social life.
I'm not a professional running, I'm the last person to tell someone how to train - but I'm real and this is where I will lay it out. It hurts, it's not easy - but in the end - I'm hoping it's worth it. Hopefully 12 weeks from now, I will be able to post my successful completion of the Chicago Half Marathon.
I DID IT! This is me and some of my wonderful support team - Rafe and Maria!
After I trained for and ran my first 5k (ok a little over - it was a 4 mile run), I caught the bug. I really do enjoy the running. Pushing my body, seeing it change and challenging myself is all part of reaching the goal. I am not concerned with how fast I finish - I just want to complete it.
Tomorrow I start my training, I'm ready. I will use this blog to detail my journey from 0 -13.1 miles.
A lot of people ask me why? Why are you doing this? The honest answer is - I feel better. Running helps me clear my head, gets rid of frustrations, and I just feel fantastic when I'm done. I sleep better at night, look better and the skinny jeans actually fit.
There is also the emotional aspect tied to this. In middle school and high school I was one of the fat kids. I ballooned and had a hard time getting rid of the weight. I will never be a size 0 and after working hard, learing proper nutrition and gaining control I am finally happy with my body. Believe it or not, I've finally embraced the curves - I have hips and I look like a woman - but guess what - I am one! This is about being a healthy woman.
So I'll use this blog to journey the early morning runs, late evenings in the gym - carb cravings and sore body. I'll record what it's like to try to train, work full time, commute and maintain some sort of social life.
I'm not a professional running, I'm the last person to tell someone how to train - but I'm real and this is where I will lay it out. It hurts, it's not easy - but in the end - I'm hoping it's worth it. Hopefully 12 weeks from now, I will be able to post my successful completion of the Chicago Half Marathon.
I DID IT! This is me and some of my wonderful support team - Rafe and Maria!
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Let's go theater
As of late, theater is my friend. I'm loving the fact that I am back into one of my passions -theater! I LOVE seeing live shows and I am taking advantage of my job in the city.
So far I've seen Wicked (3 times), Lion King and Jeasus Christ Superstar (with the orginal Jesus - Ted Nealy) I'm also seeing Sweeny Todd (can't wait) and Avenue Q in the next two months! Wicked will be in my future again.
In general feeling positive; happy and full of hope. A little scared as we wait for the pathology report for my dad (say your prayers), but he's strong and I'm sure that no matter what my dad will conquer all that comes in his path.
So far I've seen Wicked (3 times), Lion King and Jeasus Christ Superstar (with the orginal Jesus - Ted Nealy) I'm also seeing Sweeny Todd (can't wait) and Avenue Q in the next two months! Wicked will be in my future again.
In general feeling positive; happy and full of hope. A little scared as we wait for the pathology report for my dad (say your prayers), but he's strong and I'm sure that no matter what my dad will conquer all that comes in his path.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Scary Phone Call
So, due to recent health issues, I have been seeing the doctor much more than any one person would like to.
About 4 months ago I had a procedure and crossed my fingers that I made the right health choice. A few weeks ago I went in for a follow up exam. The doctor told me to call in two weeks for the results - no news is good news, and often times when the tests are negative, they do not call patients - ok fine.
So here I am, plugging away at work, chatting it up with a client and getting some invoices ready when my mom calls. From the way she said Stef - I knew something was wrong. Her voice was shakey and I new somethinig was up. She told me the doctors office called and they wanted me to call them. They wouldn't tell her why. Immediatly my blood ran cold - ice filled my veins. Shaking I took down the number and said I would call. Now, I don't have my own office and I didn't want to make this type of phone call in the open, so I went into my bosses office, shut the door and shakily dialed the numbers. The whole time my mind was rushing with horrible thoughts. Was I going to need more surgery? Did I make the wrong choice? Would my future forever be altered?
I quickly dialed and spoke to the nurse. "Oh, Stephanie, Hi - just wanted to let you know that we got your test results back - all tests came back negative" WHAT? I was immediatly relieved and almost started to cry. This was crazy. Honestly it felt like my life was suspended and then suddenly started again. "No sweetie, your fine - we'll see you in 3 months for another follow-up".
I have never been so thankful or relieved in my entire life. I suddenly realized that even though my life isnt' perfect - it is a gift and it's about time I take this gift and make the most of it. So - I've fallen off the horse when it comes to working out and eating healthy - so now I'm back on it. I deserve to feel good about myself and I always feel better when I take care of myself. I've also decided that I will no longer hold back - I'm not going to make people guess at what I want from them, from others, or from life. That's no way to live, and you only end up disappointed - besides no one can read your mind. I'm going to take care of myself, I'm only good to this world when I'm healthy, happy and thankful for what I have. I will contribute to those around me - I don't have to change the world, but if I can make one person smile every day or make one person laugh, or lend an ear, well then I've made a small change.
I am ever greatful for my health and my life - I'm in charge now!
About 4 months ago I had a procedure and crossed my fingers that I made the right health choice. A few weeks ago I went in for a follow up exam. The doctor told me to call in two weeks for the results - no news is good news, and often times when the tests are negative, they do not call patients - ok fine.
So here I am, plugging away at work, chatting it up with a client and getting some invoices ready when my mom calls. From the way she said Stef - I knew something was wrong. Her voice was shakey and I new somethinig was up. She told me the doctors office called and they wanted me to call them. They wouldn't tell her why. Immediatly my blood ran cold - ice filled my veins. Shaking I took down the number and said I would call. Now, I don't have my own office and I didn't want to make this type of phone call in the open, so I went into my bosses office, shut the door and shakily dialed the numbers. The whole time my mind was rushing with horrible thoughts. Was I going to need more surgery? Did I make the wrong choice? Would my future forever be altered?
I quickly dialed and spoke to the nurse. "Oh, Stephanie, Hi - just wanted to let you know that we got your test results back - all tests came back negative" WHAT? I was immediatly relieved and almost started to cry. This was crazy. Honestly it felt like my life was suspended and then suddenly started again. "No sweetie, your fine - we'll see you in 3 months for another follow-up".
I have never been so thankful or relieved in my entire life. I suddenly realized that even though my life isnt' perfect - it is a gift and it's about time I take this gift and make the most of it. So - I've fallen off the horse when it comes to working out and eating healthy - so now I'm back on it. I deserve to feel good about myself and I always feel better when I take care of myself. I've also decided that I will no longer hold back - I'm not going to make people guess at what I want from them, from others, or from life. That's no way to live, and you only end up disappointed - besides no one can read your mind. I'm going to take care of myself, I'm only good to this world when I'm healthy, happy and thankful for what I have. I will contribute to those around me - I don't have to change the world, but if I can make one person smile every day or make one person laugh, or lend an ear, well then I've made a small change.
I am ever greatful for my health and my life - I'm in charge now!
Monday, November 27, 2006
Blah
Holiday Blues have set in. It's this time of year that I am glad that I am not in a relationship. Harsh - I know.
I just see what my sister's going through - trying to split the holdiays between the two families - both wanting her and her boyfriend at the festivities. Maybe it's because I had a bad experience with significant others parents. I'm always trying to make sure that I fit the expecatations - I want to make everyone happy. Moms in particular scare me. It is horrible that I felt a slight sense of relief when I found out that the last guy I dated - his mom passed away. I'm a terrible person. I just felt like well, "I don't have to prove to her that I am good for her son".
It's to the point that I think I am pushing away potential relationships. I mean, there is this guy - he's great - mature, focused, working to complete his degree in physical therapy, tall, balding (so some things I just can't give up!). He's obviously interested, but I am making it so difficult for this poor guy. It could be that I found out that he has a huge family (he's one of 5) and not only would I have to prove myself to his mom, but I would also have to prove myself to his older sisters! Yeah, that's not pressure.
So, instead of pursuing this - and in all fairness - he's great - I'm making the poor guy wonder why he even showed interest in the first place.
That and I just don't want to deal with the whole beginning a relationship thing. I know that that's supposed to be the fun stuff, but right now, at this time in my life, I just don't want to find a way to fit someone else in. Am I being selfish in not wanting to deal or to let anyone in? No - I'm just scared, I know it.
Lord help this poor boy - and myself - only time will tell.
I just see what my sister's going through - trying to split the holdiays between the two families - both wanting her and her boyfriend at the festivities. Maybe it's because I had a bad experience with significant others parents. I'm always trying to make sure that I fit the expecatations - I want to make everyone happy. Moms in particular scare me. It is horrible that I felt a slight sense of relief when I found out that the last guy I dated - his mom passed away. I'm a terrible person. I just felt like well, "I don't have to prove to her that I am good for her son".
It's to the point that I think I am pushing away potential relationships. I mean, there is this guy - he's great - mature, focused, working to complete his degree in physical therapy, tall, balding (so some things I just can't give up!). He's obviously interested, but I am making it so difficult for this poor guy. It could be that I found out that he has a huge family (he's one of 5) and not only would I have to prove myself to his mom, but I would also have to prove myself to his older sisters! Yeah, that's not pressure.
So, instead of pursuing this - and in all fairness - he's great - I'm making the poor guy wonder why he even showed interest in the first place.
That and I just don't want to deal with the whole beginning a relationship thing. I know that that's supposed to be the fun stuff, but right now, at this time in my life, I just don't want to find a way to fit someone else in. Am I being selfish in not wanting to deal or to let anyone in? No - I'm just scared, I know it.
Lord help this poor boy - and myself - only time will tell.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Remembering My First Kiss
So I have discovered that this world is getting smaller by the minute. It's actually kind of scary. I got a my space account, mainly out of peer pressure, and I suddenly learned that the world is very, very tiny. I was mindlessly searching, messing around, looking for someone I'd lost contact with several years ago and poof I find someone I went to grade school with. Not that big of a deal, except, a day later, while I'm washing my hair I realize, "Oh my gosh! He was the first boy I ever kissed" (A girl never forgets that) It's weird because I can still visit the spot we shared that kiss- Lan Oak Park - See Saws (they aren't there now, "safer" playground equipment has replaced it) Ok, ok, we were in second grade, but still - talk about a small world.
So what's become of the boy I first kissed? He's married, has two gorgeous children, is a graphic designer and oh yeah, is a Thunderbird. Who knew! He was the shortest kid in the class all the way up until the time we graduated. I lost track of him when we went into high school, he certainly must have grown!
Regardless it's strange how its been 20 years since we had that awkward, quick peck and 13 years since I've even seen or thought about him. It's scary. Wonder how many other people from my past are going to creep up.
Hey - can I say I kissed a Thunderbird? Does that count?
So what's become of the boy I first kissed? He's married, has two gorgeous children, is a graphic designer and oh yeah, is a Thunderbird. Who knew! He was the shortest kid in the class all the way up until the time we graduated. I lost track of him when we went into high school, he certainly must have grown!
Regardless it's strange how its been 20 years since we had that awkward, quick peck and 13 years since I've even seen or thought about him. It's scary. Wonder how many other people from my past are going to creep up.
Hey - can I say I kissed a Thunderbird? Does that count?
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Proud to be a Fruit Fly
- Ok I found this on some website (which of course I can't find again!) and I loved it! Often times I've been referred to as a "fag hag" -often times I've referred to myself as one, but that term just sounds bad, harsh and hurtful. So I found this term - Fruit Fly - here is the definition.
Fruit Fly: (noun) A heterosexual female who prefers the company of homosexual men, similar to fag hag but with more positive connotations. She will befriend many gay men in her lifetime, usually having one specific "best" gay male friend, but will not fall in move with gay men, nor attempt to control their lives in any manner. She will provide companionship, friendship and a female point of view when crisis arise and will generally be a hell of a lot of fun when times are good. She will be a proud and outspoken supporter of the gay community and will take only a similarly supportive heterosexual male as her partner, though she will also have a life outside of the gay community because she is a well rounded type female. She will also, unlike many fag hags, find common ground with lesbians and enjoy their company.
So yes, I love my gays! I love you all and I am sure that their will be more gays in my life - but like the gays, I too am attracted to men. Here's the key though - any straight man who wants to be my partner better understand a few things:
1. Homosexuality is NOT contagious - if it was I would have caught it by now.
2. Gay men with ALWAYS be in my life
3. The gays can grab my boobs, adjust them, compliment the, fluff them, etc..Straight men - that will earn you a slap - ACCEPT IT
4. The gay Mafia exists - don't hurt me - they protect their women and they will hurt you! 5. Don't be afraid to get to know my gay friends, knowing them will lead you to a better understanding of me - educate yourself!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Poetry
I haven't written a lot lately. This isn't much, but it's a stab at it. This isn't much and I know I will rewrite this about a dozen or so times before I am happy - that's the job of a writer - to rewrite. Needless to say the muscles need to be stretched. Here's the warmup.
Mother
Mother did you miss
your true passions
Mother did you miss
a better life
You traded yourself
Early confinement..
Lifelong dedication..
Picket fences rotted
Happy marriage now empty
Bright eyes now vacant
Dreams dissolved
Can your regain yourself?
Do you know yourself?
Angry, bitter, tired, weary.
Was it worth it?
Will it matter in the end?
Was it all lost?
Is family the price you paid?
Mother
Mother did you miss
your true passions
Mother did you miss
a better life
You traded yourself
Early confinement..
Lifelong dedication..
Picket fences rotted
Happy marriage now empty
Bright eyes now vacant
Dreams dissolved
Can your regain yourself?
Do you know yourself?
Angry, bitter, tired, weary.
Was it worth it?
Will it matter in the end?
Was it all lost?
Is family the price you paid?
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Little Miss Sunshine
Ok, so I just saw LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE and I highly recommend this movie. The blend of comedy, drama, tragegy, self -loathing, self loving and reality was amazing. I don't but DVDs very often, but this is one that I will buy.
It was nice to see a movie where I laughed, cried and walked away feeling like I saw something worth my while. It some twisted way, that family's reality is the reality of every family I know.
It was nice to see a movie where I laughed, cried and walked away feeling like I saw something worth my while. It some twisted way, that family's reality is the reality of every family I know.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
All Women must remember
I received this e-mail from a friend and thought I should share.
A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS.........
Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....
might be lonely.
And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen--
Losers let things happen."
A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS.........
Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....
might be lonely.
And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen--
Losers let things happen."
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Scared
Ok so here's the deal. The past few weeks I've been playing a waiting game, one that I would not recommend. Long story short, I had gone in for a regular checkup, things came back odd, more tests were ordered and poof - diagnosis made - pre-cancerous cells (thankfully very early stage) have been found and before I know it, I'm scheduling a surgery - yeah fun.
So what's odd about this is that I've been walking around with a brave face, but in all honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Yeah I'm thankful it was found early & hopefully this procedure will take care of it, but its scary nonetheless. Even scarier is the fact that if this procedure doesn't work and more drastic measures have to be taken, I take the chance of having difficulty conceiving, or even worse - not being able to have kids at all. That made my blood run cold. Yeah, I know that where things stand right now, kids are a very distant future, but they aren't completely out of reach. I know that I've said that I'll be content being single, having a full life and realizing that I won't have kids - I get that, but the possibility is still there - taking that possibility away - terrifying. As much as I cover it up, I think I would be a good mom, and in a lot of ways I want to experience having a child, carrying a human being inside me for 9 months, nurturing it and then bringing it into the world - its scary but also wonderful. I won't lie, there is a part of me that still wants that - I try to ignore it, but its there.
That and it freaks me out that if I hadn't gone for a checkup I may never have discovered this and could have ended up with cancer. I know everything happens for a reason and if the ex didn't give me reason to go get checked out I may never have discovered this. Guess I got back together with him for a reason - but of course I will never tell him.
I know that this too shall pass, I have the love and support of my family and friends and I'll be fine. The next year is going to be a pain with having to go for follow-ups every three months, but hey -small price to pay for my health -right?
So what's odd about this is that I've been walking around with a brave face, but in all honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Yeah I'm thankful it was found early & hopefully this procedure will take care of it, but its scary nonetheless. Even scarier is the fact that if this procedure doesn't work and more drastic measures have to be taken, I take the chance of having difficulty conceiving, or even worse - not being able to have kids at all. That made my blood run cold. Yeah, I know that where things stand right now, kids are a very distant future, but they aren't completely out of reach. I know that I've said that I'll be content being single, having a full life and realizing that I won't have kids - I get that, but the possibility is still there - taking that possibility away - terrifying. As much as I cover it up, I think I would be a good mom, and in a lot of ways I want to experience having a child, carrying a human being inside me for 9 months, nurturing it and then bringing it into the world - its scary but also wonderful. I won't lie, there is a part of me that still wants that - I try to ignore it, but its there.
That and it freaks me out that if I hadn't gone for a checkup I may never have discovered this and could have ended up with cancer. I know everything happens for a reason and if the ex didn't give me reason to go get checked out I may never have discovered this. Guess I got back together with him for a reason - but of course I will never tell him.
I know that this too shall pass, I have the love and support of my family and friends and I'll be fine. The next year is going to be a pain with having to go for follow-ups every three months, but hey -small price to pay for my health -right?
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Friends
I have, hands down, bar none, some of the best friends in the world! One of the things I swore that I would do this year is make sure that I nurture these relationships. I have discovered that friends realize the best in you, know you at your worst and yet love you nontheless.
Rafe and I have been friends for so long that I am convinced that no one will ever know me like he does. It's odd because often times Rafe and I don't tell each other what we really mean to each other, but we know its there. And just today, on a whim, I checked his live journal and found this : Steph...LOL...this girl was the ice queen in high school. now...she leaves me in awe. yes...she is working out, dressing better, she looks great. beyond that...when she smiles...she radiates a happiness that is blinding. this girl has taken her life by the horns and made it her bitch...LOL. she was bound and determined to just be better...over all...and she is moving like a damn freight train. If you ask her...there are still things that she wants to improve...which there is always room from improvement bla bla bla...but from where she was to where she is...wow.
Rafe honey, you made me cry when I read that. You are without a doubt one of the most amazing people I know. I don't tell you this enough, but wow. I have such a deep love and respect for you. I remember there was a time I thought you were straight (that was funny), but wow, I've seen you grow into the most amazing man. You are strong, sensative, funny and you know what is important in life. I'm amazed at how you've made incredible decisions for yourself. I've seen you grow more in the past two years than I ever have. Your zest for life, your heart and your determination to be happy and satisfied with the decsions you make has inspired me! You've taught me more about love and forgiveness than anyone I know. When you love someone, you love them with every core of your being, you don't hold back and you show the best and worst of yourself. That is a rare gift, not many people can do that, but it only makes those you love that more special. I hope that everyone you love realizes this! You are amazing, truely and inspiration and my rock. I can't wait to see what the next 13 years will bring! Only the best and one day - God willing - my children can look up to their Uncle Rafe just the same way I do.
"When we honestly ask ourselve which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in a hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate, not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares". ~Henri Nowen
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